Gay, straight, or bi, everyone is looking for someone to love. And it is extremely helpful if the person you want to be with is interested in the type of junk you have in your pants. That’s why it is always important to hone your gaydar!When someone straight falls for someone gay, or vice versa, it’s a mess. I often have seen, and occasionally been subject to, the emotional wreckage and heartbreak that ensues. There is a lot of confusion, angst… and often someone being outed in a way they aren’t comfortable with. Or, it just ends with a girl pining over her gay best friend for years and being permanently relegating to fag hag status.
Here are some quick and dirty tricks to ascertain the sexual orientation of your crush:
1. The obvious. If someone really, really looks gay… they probably are. Girls with fauxhawks and no makeup who wear plaid board shorts and collared shirts (even if they are pink) are probably gay. Guys who are wearing makeup and heels and use too many hand gestures over a tall non-fat soy latte in Starbucks… while talking to a similar-looking guy with a really trendy haircut or surrounded by 3+ giggling girls… are probably gay. That being said, I know plenty of sporty butch girls who have slept with more dudes than they have notches on their weightlifting belts… so never go on appearances alone.
2. The subtle. To paraphrase myself as quoted elsewhere, for every gay person you see, there is at least one you don’t. Many (if not most) look just like everybody else. Bisexuals are pretty darn impossible to spot unless they out themselves, given both their (usually) heteronormative appearance and society’s tendency to erase bisexsuals. Look for small signs. Do you see a rainbow bracelet/pin/sticker anywhere in their vicinity? Do their facebook photos show them hanging out with people with ‘alternative lifestyle’ haircuts? Do they omit gendered pronouns when talking about relationships? These are all signs that should tip off your gaydar, and more investigation is needed (for a full list of lesbian-spotting tips, see the always hilarious effingdykes).
3. Ask. Just as if you were trying to determine if your crush was already in a relationship, the best way to find out this sort of information is ask. DO NOT walk up to him/her/it and point-blank demand, “ARE YOU GAY??!!” in the middle of the room. Be delicate. Don’t ask their friends or your friends… you don’t want to start rumours or spread misinformation. Ask your crush about past or current relationships. If you are straight, be approachable and trustworthy. If you are LGB and out, self-disclose fairly early (although starting a conversation with “Hi, I’m so-and-so and boy do I ever like making out with people with the same naughty bits as me.” is not advised). No matter what, be open-minded… even if the person’s orientation isn’t suited to yours, the fact that you were attracted to them in the first place probably means there is great friend potential. And you never know… people can always switch teams.
Pay attention, and you will be well on your way to dating someone who is interested in the sort of plumbing you have downstairs! In terms of dating rules, studies show that in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships are similar in nearly every way (although same-sex relationships come out on top in terms of intimacy, communication, cooperation, domestic sharing, and sexual satisfaction… sorry heteros!).
The rules in this book apply equally to both types of relationships, with a few exceptions. Perhaps I shall return to discuss some of those… what do you think, bigbookofdating readers?