Bonus Rule: Hone Your Gaydar


Hi! I’m westwood, author over at gapingwhole, and this is a guest post.

Gay, straight, or bi, everyone is looking for someone to love. And it is extremely helpful if the person you want to be with is interested in the type of junk you have in your pants. That’s why it is always important to hone your gaydar!When someone straight falls for someone gay, or vice versa, it’s a mess. I often have seen, and occasionally been subject to, the emotional wreckage and heartbreak that ensues. There is a lot of confusion, angst… and often someone being outed in a way they aren’t comfortable with. Or, it just ends with a girl pining over her gay best friend for years and being permanently relegating to fag hag status.

Here are some quick and dirty tricks to ascertain the sexual orientation of your crush:

1. The obvious. If someone really, really looks gay… they probably are. Girls with fauxhawks and no makeup who wear plaid board shorts and collared shirts (even if they are pink) are probably gay. Guys who are wearing makeup and heels and use too many hand gestures over a tall non-fat soy latte in Starbucks… while talking to a similar-looking guy with a really trendy haircut or surrounded by 3+ giggling girls… are probably gay. That being said, I know plenty of sporty butch girls who have slept with more dudes than they have notches on their weightlifting belts… so never go on appearances alone.

2. The subtle. To paraphrase myself as quoted elsewhere, for every gay person you see, there is at least one you don’t. Many (if not most) look just like everybody else. Bisexuals are pretty darn impossible to spot unless they out themselves, given both their (usually) heteronormative appearance and society’s tendency to erase bisexsuals. Look for small signs. Do you see a rainbow bracelet/pin/sticker anywhere in their vicinity? Do their facebook photos show them hanging out with people with ‘alternative lifestyle’ haircuts?  Do they omit gendered pronouns when talking about relationships? These are all signs that should tip off your gaydar, and more investigation is needed (for a full list of lesbian-spotting tips, see the always hilarious effingdykes).

3. Ask. Just as if you were trying to determine if your crush was already in a relationship, the best way to find out this sort of information is ask. DO NOT walk up to him/her/it and point-blank demand, “ARE YOU GAY??!!” in the middle of the room. Be delicate. Don’t ask their friends or  your friends… you don’t want to start rumours or spread misinformation. Ask your crush about past or current relationships. If you are straight, be approachable and trustworthy. If you are LGB and out, self-disclose fairly early (although starting a conversation with “Hi, I’m so-and-so and boy do I ever like making out with people with the same naughty bits as me.” is not advised). No matter what, be open-minded… even if the person’s orientation isn’t suited to yours, the fact that you were attracted to them in the first place probably means there is great friend potential. And you never know… people can always switch teams.

Pay attention, and you will be well on your way to dating someone who is interested in the sort of plumbing you have downstairs! In terms of dating rules, studies show that in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships are similar in nearly every way (although same-sex relationships come out on top in terms of intimacy, communication, cooperation, domestic sharing, and sexual satisfaction… sorry heteros!).

The rules in this book apply equally to both types of relationships, with a few exceptions. Perhaps I shall return to discuss some of those… what do you think, bigbookofdating readers?


  1. As a feminine-looking lesbian, the ones who hit on me from most to least, are 1. straight men, 2. closeted (usually married) women, 3. bi-curious young women. None of whom I’m the least interested in. Sigh*


  2. I get the same problem as loosefemme. When i was a uni i was like a kid in a candy store & i found getting women, gay or striaght pretty easy but as soon as i got out of that enviroment it’s almost like my worlds been turned upseide down. Must people know i’m gay from the way i talk about things or the company i keep, esp my girlfriend. Shes’s normally the biggest give away (litterally, being 6.4 haha). Great post, loved reading this!

  3. Where were you when I needed you!! I’ve been there, done that a couple of times, with the moderate exception that my gay-amour showed a degree of interest in my none gay self. Attempting to take it to the limit always clarified the matter.

  4. Haha…I’m not sure if you meant your post to be funny, but it was. I was laughing from number 1. I really enjoyed it! Wish I could turn it on to keep away all the creeps that think just because you’re a foreigner, especially American traveling that you are used to having sex all the time with any guy (even the old, disgusting, unattractive ones) that you just meet so that means you’re going to kiss or have sex with them within hours or even minutes…lol. Didn’t know this until traveling, hah. Scary, that they would actually think that! Now, I equate a guy saying he wants to help me, show me something, take a walk, be friends as “Oh yeah! If she says yes, she wants to have sex with me before we part ways very soon.” Definitely makes me even weary of the guys that could genuinely want to help. Oh so scary but definitely experiences that I will refer to as I continue my travels. Any suggestions to help fend of or create a radar for creeps like the gaydar?

    Again, I enjoyed your post! :-)

    1. Ha, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Unfortunately, the creep factor tends to be high globally, especially in certain places and cultures. The best thing women can do is stand up for themselves and not tolerate harassment… everyone. That’s the only way it will get into the cultural framework as being unacceptable. Unfortunately, though, I fear that this is still a long way off…

      1. Yes, I agree. It’s global and a long way off. However, in the meantime, I will be doing some standing up to some creeps who really need to know it’s not okay. It’s sad how some never get it when you don’t accept their behavior (even trying to explain that it’s not appropriate) and never seem to register in their minds that it’s not okay instead of thinking of weak explanations as to why a young woman does not go along with their unbelievable behavior.

  5. great post! i would def like to hear about some of the exceptions…. I def agree that society tends to erase Bisexuals. Bi people are pretty hard to spot, seems to be the consensus. As a BiFemme myself, I def am overlooked 9 times out of 10 which can be pretty frustrating….. maby i just need to wear more rainbows or something… ? :p

  6. I dated an identical twin who’s brother was gay and he was not – it turned out that he was so desperate to prove his hetrosexuality that he was sleeping with another women at the same time.I still wonder if he was in denial.

  7. This is great, very informative! I have a lot of gay friends/ had a lot in college anyway and sometimes it can be so darn hard to tell…especially with people who don’t come out til their mid twenties. Used to think by gaydar was is top shape but I think im losing my talent lately haha

  8. This is great…I thought I had my gaydar down pat, then I moved to Europe 4 years ago and I´m still a mess…Elle Woods was right in the Legally Blond musical when she sang ´Is he gay or is he european!!!!´ Tight jeans, man purses and man capris do NOT mean gay, atleast not in Spain haha!

  9. it’s in the hands, I tell you!

    Great post, btw. Way to humour a potentially sensitive subject without sounding like a d-bag.

  10. Funny funny post. Many moons ago my handsome date, Stuart, left the party we went to with a guy dressed in the same damn outfit I was wearing. It was too ironic not to be hilarious.

      1. First I must apologize for my dyslectic reply, seems my rotten keyboard was having on of those days. Second, my mother and I used to be very close ever since I came out to her when I was 16-17, but in the years I lived away from home, she in one country and me in another continent 5000 miles away we became strangers. The gap between her and I just seems to become larger by the day, she no longer understands me, and I can’t explain everything to her anymore. She’s no longer the person I go to for advice or to just vent (she resents that). I’m my own friend, not cose I don’t want to, but I know she wouldn’t understand, and now she’s very keen on judging. She forgets how many years have past since I started living alone and I don’t need advice, but someone who will just listen to me. At last, though she has a much better tuned gaydar, she refuses to recognize it any longer, she’s given up men and sex, and so to her I’m a sex-finned guy. Lets see what story I write about us next time I get around to actually write about it.

  11. Coming from someone who is actually gay: if they quickly glance then look away multiple times, there’s a good chance that they are interested in the contents of your pants!

  12. I just want to say hi and thank you for stopping by my blog. You have a fantastic blog here. Look forward to reading more.

  13. My wife is a feminine looking lesbian. She’s been hit on a few times by men… that is til I go over and stand really close!

    Also thanks for checking out my blog. Appreciate it.

  14. Thanks for reading my blog. I am currently crushing on my supervisor at work, who is a southern gentleman and my gaydar seems to be malfunctioning; if he is gay or not. I will take your advice and ask him if he’s dating someone in order to make my next move. lol.

  15. this is so cool. I don’t have a problem with that. Infact back in california my best freinds were gay and I love going out with them because they are the most funest people in the world to hang out…nothing sexual even though my best friend love boobs!! lol

  16. Oh, please, gays are very easy.
    “Hello, I have a 9 inch penis, do you have at least 7 inches?”
    “Why yes I do. Do you have 0% body fat and the skin color I like?”
    “Indeed. And I hope you have no body hair, right?”
    “None whatsoever. Are you over 18 and under 35? Good. Now where do we f-ck?”

    See? That’s all it takes. The challenge if finding someone that wants to see you more than once. Because let’s face it, if you’re not Abercrombie & Fitch and you don’t have a penis bigger than 7 inches, you might as well find a hobby because you won’t be getting laid a lot.

    Gaydar? Who needs it. Just go on and POF and Adam4Adam and sell yourself on the meat market. Good luck, you’ll need it.

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