Rule #18- The Urge To Merge


When we start dating someone new it’s only natural for us to start taking an interest in things they enjoy. We find ourselves researching a new sport, adopting new hobbies, or studying finance magazines for conversation starters.Now, I wouldn’t go as far as saying that all couples feel the urge to dress the same (admittedly some do), but there is a definite merging of after-work activities in all couples. So at what point does taking an interest in your partner’s hobbies become harmful (or just a big annoyance)?

Rules for Preferable Pastimes: 

1. It’s important to have things in common (otherwise what would you talk about?); if you don’t, you probably wouldn’t have made it past the first date (unless your’e really not picky). 

Flip through things he’s subscribes to, take an interest in what he loves, do some internet research; these small gestures will help keep conversations going and show him you care about what he likes (or in other words, him). 2. Don’t sign up to his advanced yoga class without asking, and don’t force him to take you to his football games.

You both have things that you enjoy doing and it’s all right to do them separately; it will give you a little space from each other and something to chat about over dinner.

3. Find a bunch of things you both have fun doing (other than sex) and do them together.   You are two different people, who like different things; this is probably what you love about each other! So, while dabbling in one another’s hobbies is fun, there is no need to merge your personalities as well!


  1. True true! We have completely different hobbies and we do things separately, that gives us a lot to tal about over dinner :) We support each other in what we do and it’s great, but yes, I think I started watching football occasionally and do things I haven’t done before, but that’s all good, because he watches movies I like from time to time, but we don’t force each other to like one or another activity just because one of us like it :)

  2. my ex man friend LOVED dogs. i didn’t have an opinion of dogs, one way or the other. so i got gwendolyn because i thought that if i had a dog, the man would love me. this scenario might be the only ultra crazy move that is allowable for trying to achieve a deeper connection. but it worked out! because now i love dogs and not the man of subject. hahaha! thanks for another enlightening read. x

  3. The urge to merge is even worse for lesbians, because you really can just become the other person in EVERY WAY. People need to fight against the merge, with everything they have. Great post!

  4. Love this! And all your other posts! (Yes, I just read them all.) So many great pointers–and funny because they’re too true! I’ll definitely be back.

  5. The urge to merge seems cute at first. But it can quickly become downright sick. I’ve known women to give up pets they love for a man who didn’t like them. I’ve watched them change the way they look, dress, act, even what they watch on TV.

    Trust me, if he’s worth having, he’s not going to be impressed by your behavior. And if he is, I’d run for the hills out of fear.

  6. Well said! My husband and I were classmates and trained in the same occupation, but we decided from early on that we would never work in the same environment and that was the way to go for us. I think you’re helping people maintain their sanity. And thank you for visiting my blog and liking my picture! :)

  7. Well said, an important ‘rule’…oh and nice accompanying photographs..the first two are hilarious! This would be a great post to write from a gay and lesbian perspective (perhaps invite guest bloggers to share their merging urges?) I know someone who could do a great job with the lesbian view :-)

  8. I know a guy who started smoking at 27 years old because his new girlfriend smokes. Really? Why not give her your varsity jacket while you’re at it.

    Yes, the Stormtrooper picture had me laughing for a long time.

  9. Oh I love this, you don’t know how many times I have said to a partner, just because we are together doesn’t mean we have to be on top of each other. Now I am with someone who totally gets that. We have our separate things we do and then we have the things we do together. Being away from him helps me realize how much I love him. Then when we are together I appreciate him more.

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