Rule #22- Sexpectations


via Flickr: Jesse & Macy, TIFFANY DAWN NICHOLSON (TDNphoto)

Last Friday afternoon, my lady friends and I went out for coffee in the big city. It was nice and sunny out as we sipped our hot beverages and chatted; when inevitably, the conversation turned very quickly to sex.

My friend has just started dating a new gentleman; they are deep into the mutual sleep-over faze and overall, very happy together.  But (come on, you knew there would be a ‘but’), they each have a very different idea of what qualifies as a satisfactory sex life.

Now, as much as we would all love for our sex lives to stay in that wonderful ‘new relationship, kinky sex, lingerie and foot-cuffs’ period, routine always tends to sneak it.

Whether it has been a long day at work, the car broke down, or a report is due in the morning; no matter what the reason, we have all been here:

Our sexpectations just aren’t aliened.   

I’ve decided to split the rules up according to gender (but feel free to read both).

Rules for The Gentleman:

1. Now as much as you would like every evening to end like this:

The reality is a little different.

Your lady might have had a rough day and not be that into it. This does not mean that she is not into you! Try getting her into the mood instead of sulking/begging/getting cross; offer her a foot rub/massage/glass of wine.

2. If you don’t end up having sex DO NOT make her feel bad about it. Otherwise, she will end up resenting you for it (because she will feel obligated to have sex with you), this will result in less sex in the future (and no one wants that!).

3. If you really find yourself in a rut, where you are not getting up to anything at all (you are going to hate this), you need to talk about it; discuss your mutual bedroom expectations.

4. And you know what, if you are not going to get any action, take care of it for yourself! Not as much fun, but will save you both a great deal of frustration.

Rules for The Ladies:

1. If he is too tired or stressed, don’t make a big deal out of it!!! I’m not sure how much I can emphasize this point. It isn’t you!  It’s probably his boss! If you start making a scene out of it, it will just make you both feel awkward about the sex.

(Now, while this isn’t always the case, the chances you will be in the mood and he won’t are less likely; but just because that is the case, it doesn’t mean something is wrong).

2. Be sneaky! Wind him up! Put on something skimpy and walk around the house in it, offer him a back rub (or anything else that works for him).

3. Don’t feel pressured to have sex! Sex should be fun and bonding, not a chore! That said, not having any at all is not healthy for your relationship (and if that’s what’s going on, this is a big issue you need to discuss).

Men need sex to feel loved, and woman need to feel loved to have sex; this is a proven fact, and an important one at that.

4. If he isn’t in the mood, that doesn’t mean you should suffer! Get something that vibrates or take care of it manually!

People! Sex should be something enjoyable and mutually pleasurable, don’t turn it into the big awkward elephant in the room!


  1. Well, speaking as someone who has been married for well over 20 years, I can say with conviction that very little dispels complacency once a comfortable home and offspring are achieved. It would be lovely to think that No2 happened and sneakyness spontaneously occurred but really, it doesn’t.
    But one can hopefully by then reconcile oneself to the fact that the cooking is rather good and there is someone with whom to share a glass of sherry whilst watching the Wizard of Oz every Christmas.
    And it should not be discounted that though passion may have fled long ago, to be able to look up from one’s newspaper in bed, flick aside the bobble of one’s nightcap and discuss the turn of current events in a civilised manner without marital unpleasantness waving its wrinkled trunk about the room.

  2. “Men need sex to feel loved, and woman need to feel loved to have sex” – So true!!! In Russia we say “The way to a man’s heart goes through his stomach”.. or something like that.. Though, sex helps too ;-)

  3. As the poster above commented – that last pic of the elephant in the room is hysterical! Very good advice… Even though I’m married I still need to remind myself of a couple of these ‘rules’ every now and then. : )

  4. Great article! I like your insights, men need sex to feel loved while women need to feel love to have sex–so truthful. Keep up the posts I like them all!!

    Stay fab

  5. Thanks for liking my blog! Yours is a great concept . I love it. Follow me for more fashion articles! Feel free to recommend a topic !! Thanks, Brielle

  6. This article should be a manual for men who deter from emotionalism; the main ingredient for arousal amid women. Nice piece. And…thanks for stopping by ;)

  7. Sorry, can’t get behind you on this one… lots of implicit heteronormative gender roles and assumed attitudes towards sex that science has found not true in practice.

  8. I run a Love Letters platform online and I shared this post with the followers I have on Facebook. Hopefully, some of them will check out your post!

    I think that sex ends up being stressful because it’s such a strong moment of vulnerability with your partner (whether you lifetime-love them or not). I agree with you that men and women respond differently to sex, think of sex in different ways, get turned on by different things…but I also think that each person’s level of self confidence affects the theater of it all.

    Thanks for the post :D

  9. lol I love this line ‘Men need sex to feel loved, and woman need to feel loved to have sex; this is a proven fact, and an important one at that’. Very true. Your writing is insightful with a great sense of humor. Love it.

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