Hi! I’m westwood, over at gapingwhole, and this is a guest post. Last time I was here, we chatted about why it is important to hone your gaydar. This time, I pose the question: When chicks with boyfriends sleep with/make out with chicks, is it cheating?
Well, first lets turn to Glee for the answer (because that’s obviously the most logical thing to do).
If you watch the show, you may have heard this little exchange:
Brittany – “I really like when we make out and stuff.”
Santana – “Which isn’t cheating because…?”
Brittany – “…the plumbing’s different.”
Well, boys/bois/ladyboys and girls/grrls/whatever you want to be, I have heard some variation on this excuse dozens of times from all kinds of people. And as an openly and outspokenly bisexual woman, I have personally been propositioned by a number of women (mostly bicurious) who were currently in relationships with men.
Guess how many of them I have kissed or had some kind of sexual encounter with?
(…well, by those qualifications anyway…)
Yet, in almost every case, the men in these relationships had actually given their ladies permission to get it on with another woman (ie: me). Not only did they allow it, but some actually encouraged it. I suppose they found the idea attractive, because men just looooove the idea of girl-on-girl (if those girls are feminine, straight-presenting, and doing it for the benefit of the guy, that is).
So why don’t I make out/hook up/sleep with these girls? These are intelligent, beautiful, fascinating women. Well, first off, being bisexual has no correlation to being slutty or sleeping around (contrary to popular belief). Secondly, those dudes and Britanna need to understand that cheating is cheating. No matter what the plumbing situation is downstairs.
Let’s test your intuitions. Assume a set-up of exclusive monogamous relationship. In that case, is a straight girl sleeping with another man cheating on her boyfriend? Yes. Is a straight man sleeping with another man cheating on his girlfriend? Yes. If a lesbian sleeps with another girl, is she cheating on her girlfriend? Yes. It doesn’t matter what is in their pants. If your dude or lady is sleeping with someone who isn’t you, cheating is happening. If you define kissing or emotional attachment as cheating, then the same thing applies.
(another consideration: if I were to hook up with those girls, they might leave their dudes for me and really make things messy. Just kidding. Sort of)
Yet, women often make out with other women in front of their boyfriends at bars. This tired titillating trope remains common. We all see it on TV all the time. Somehow, the guys don’t understand that they are letting their girlfriends get away with infidelity right in front of them. Plus, it is harmful on a much bigger scale for a lot of reasons, including these:
1. Not defining it as cheating promotes bisexual erasure. It reinforces the (scientifically wrong) notion that making out with someone of the same sex ‘doesn’t count’ because sexual fluidity doesn’t exist… which it does.
2. It objectifies women and trivializes their sexuality by saying that women’s sexual pleasure only counts when it’s for the benefit of a man and/or controlled and dictated by a man. It is a man deciding his girlfriend’s sexuality for her, and what she can or cannot do with it.
Rules For Same-Sex Flirtation:
1. Dudes, don’t give your girlfriends a pass to cheat because you have a mistaken idea that it’s hot.
2. Recognize that love is love and sex is sex, and it all counts no matter what junk is in whose underpants.
3. Ladies, before you call that cute girl you’ve always wondered what it would be like to make out/hook up with (you know you have)… dump your boyfriend.
These are bad things! So we should all not buy into this ‘it’s not cheating because the plumbing is different’ shtick. Because it is definitely cheating. Okay? Okay.
Also, if you have any relationship or sexuality-related questions or curiosities that you would like to see covered in a future bonus rule, leave them below or catch me at gapingwhole[at]hotmail[dot]com.