Rule #35- Sexual Premises

via Lies Thru a Lens, Lost in Thought

I’m really going to try hard and keep a balanced point of view throughout what I am about to discuss; but I am a woman, and therefore a little bias.

I used to think about sex in a very liberal open minded sort of way. Otherwise known as “who cares if you finish as long as you had fun and intimately connected with your significant other”.

I feel like most women (or at least many women) see sex this way. It’s more of a bonding exercise (no pun intended), and not necessarily meant for their own satisfaction. 

Meaning, that sex is fun, finishing during sex is even more fun, but it isn’t a ‘must’ every time. 

And we accept this.

Why is this a BAD premise when approaching sex?

1. Unless you are trying to get pregnant, you are probably having sex for your own/mutual pleasure. Sex has a point, it’s called an orgasm! (It’s that fun toe-curling part at the end, or halfway through, and then again if you’re lucky).

Now, you may not feel like you’ve been selling yourself short when you don’t have one, but you are! Orgasms are wonderful things! 

And allowing yourself to miss out on a surge of chemicals that do wonders for your well being is you, missing out! 

2. Every time you have one of these you tend to want more of them (you know the drill).

When you don’t orgasm you are less likely to want to have heaps of sex (because it’s less gratifying). You may even get bitter and resentful about this over time (and possibly even a little bored with the proceedings). 

(obviously not a good thing for the relationship). 

3. You might not necessarily think that not always finishing even bothers you.

In my opinion, this is the worst harm. It wouldn’t even occur to you to have sex and for your partner not to finish. Yet, we find hundreds of ways to reinitialize to ourselves why when we get the short end of the stick, it’s alright. 

Now, thank god, attitudes towards sex are forever evolving; both culturally, and with age. I don’t think that on the whole woman don’t feel it’s their right to derive pleasure from sex. But we do have quite a bit of a way yet to go when it comes to our day-to-day sexual routine and bedroom expectations.

So who’s at fault, and what do we do about it?

Blaming generations of male indoctrination really isn’t the answer here. At the end of the day it comes down to our inability to communicate our needs to our sexual partners. I don’t think for a second that the person you are sleeping with doesn’t want you to crack the window with enthusiasm.

The problem starts with our demands in the bedroom, and not being able to make them known (physically or verbally). TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT/ENJOY/NEED/LIKE! (And if you don’t know what it is you want, it’s about time you start figuring it out). 

Tell them that you finishing isn’t optional , its part of the exercise! 

 I hope my pseudo rant wasn’t too one-sided, but come on ladies, sex is just as important in a relationship as long talks, staring into each other’s eyes, and romantic getaways. 

(And besides, it is also a great deal of fun).


  1. hope the amount of telling reduces…too much of it can be counter productive! experimenting with different ways of reaching an orgasm can be a worthwhile exploration.

  2. A very intriguing post; having been in very happy (soul and body pleasing) marriage for twenty-four years, it’s interesting to contemplate these sorts of issues, not that every moment with my spouse has been perfect, but overall, I can’t complain. Probably because sex has usually been very good. Then I think about other couples my age (mid forties), and their marriages, some of which are good, some not so much. How much togetherness is lost when sex suffers, for while maybe we don’t admit it, it matters. Why be with someone for ages on end if that element isn’t what it should be, which is one of the biggest parts of a relationship. I adore my husband’s wit, that we share many interests, but if intimacy was lacking… Good grief! Maybe that will occur as we age, well, I’m sure it will. But that’s a part of aging.

    Thanks for popping by my Looking For America blog; so glad to find this post, lots of food for thought!

  3. Communication is key! Isn’t it funny how there are people out there that are so free and easy with nagging and balling about the little things that don’t really matter but when it comes to something like this there seem to be no words!

    What is the point of having sex if it is BAD sex!

    LOVE your blog!

  4. I gave up on one-night stands early in life because orgasms weren’t an option during those brief sexual encounters, and I realized I was risking my health just to be a vessel for a man’s pleasure. ICK. But in relationships, I have had partners ask ME what I want before I can even tell them! In the end, men want to please women.

  5. I looked at your “likes” and noticed that most of them come from women – men should like this too though – as you pointed out, more pleasure for both partners means MORE FREQUENCY! Everyone wins – except maybe (hopefully) the neighbors.

    Great post, keep ‘em coming, no pun intended (too easy? probably heard that one before;)

  6. Many years ago I had a relationship where I faked orgasms right from the beginning because this guy wanted sex constantly and I adored him, but not so much the sex. He thought we were so compatible! He ended up cheating on me and, yes it hurt terribly, but I was so ready to move on because he thought he was such a great lover and he was so clueless. That was before I started taking responsibility for my own pleasure by making my wishes known. What works the best for me is to “show”, not “tell”.

  7. This reminds me of this book I read about a professor who became a prostitute. She said that prostituting is a one way street, where all the pleasure is for the costumers and nothing expected for themselves. A mutual relationship should be different than that.

  8. I know that I have been guilty of this, sadly more than once. As a woman, I think that we are conditioned to just be happy with what we get, but you are so right, in that it devalues the whole experience. I am blessed to have a partner now that places my bedroom needs high and wants to see me happy. If straight sex doesn’t curl my toes, then toys or other means come in handy. Hearing you say that our orgasms are just as important empowers women to think that though and that is what makes this post so powerful. Thanks for standing up for women’s sexual rights.

    Ps. Love the approach that your blog takes on a topic that still makes too many blush & poo-poo :)

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