Rule #40- The Sleep Barometer

via c. kennedy garrett

I’ve been developing this working theory for the last few years that a good night’s sleep is a great indicator of whether or not you’re happy in your relationship.

The way I see it, sleep is the ultimate form of vulnerability (I mean come on, you’re practically unconscious). It’s much easier for me to jump into bed with someone new, than fall asleep with them in it.

It takes me ages of knowing someone to feel comfortable enough to drift off into sweet slumber next to them. Otherwise I just find myself lying there, staring at the ceiling and counting the minutes till dawn.

So I sat down and tried to find some creative solutions to help myself get some shut-eye:

1. First of all, just because you had sex doesn’t mean you have to sleep over/have them sleep over. 

It’s all right to go home after.

But if you do leave, bear in mind that you need to do it elegantly. No lame excuses, people! Just be honest, “I have work in the morning, and it’s hard for me to fall asleep.”

2. If you do want to spend the night, try to make yourself feel comfortable. Sleep in your cozy pajamas, and not in that satin négligée you bought (because it may look sexy as hell, but it makes you sweat like you’re on fire).

Because I read before bed (at home, at least), my new trick is to wind down with an audio book. Basically, do whatever works for you to find your zen, and relax.

3. You DON’T HAVE to sleep on top of each other!

(I’m a big fan of snuggling, but not all the time).

4. After dating someone for a while, if I still spend the whole night tossing and turning, it usually means that there is something wrong. Not feeling safe and comfortable enough to relax properlyusually indicates to me a lot more than merely I’m going to have trouble concentrating at work in the morning.

This generally means that it might be about time to have one of those awkward conversations…

On the other hand, when you do you fall asleep in seconds with a grin on your face, and only wake up to playfully nudge your snoring boyfriend (and maybe snog him a little), you know things are going well.


  1. So true, i’m an expert sleeper usually, but really struggled to sleep with my ex. Damn, should have had one of those awkward conversations sooner ;-)

  2. I haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights (but I think just b/c my schedule is way off) … but now I am going to worry that my relationship is going down the tubes and I’ll probably sleep even less! Great post.

  3. Loved the article!! But… why would you want to have sex with someone you don’t want to sleep with? Doesn’t that eventually lead to heart break or behavior dangerous for your health? :s call me cautious, but I wouldn’t recommend that procedure for emotionally unstable people. Date the person first, see if you trust him/her, don’t rush anything…

    1. I completely agree with you that you shouldn’t just jump into bed with someone. For me personally though, I feel a lot less vulnerable being naked in front of someone new, as I do when there is a potential fear of snoring in front of them.

      1. HAHAHA very true, when dating someone I don’t know well yet I usually also avoid situations in which I cannot control the atmosphere by winning them over with my charm!

  4. After 25 years of sleeping with the same person, with all the intimacy that involves, I would find it quite a worry to have to share a bed with someone new who I wanted to make a good impression with. Firstly, there is the snoring. What woman would hear that nocturnal cacophany and still decide I was a long term proposition? And then there is the small and mildly embarrassing issue of unconscious flatulence. Whilst awake, should my digestive system decided to attempt to embarrass me, I can suppress it until I can find somewhere private to let rip. However, in my sleep, who knows what trumpeting might ensue! Being literally unconscious, how can one maintain control? I would hate to drive away a potential new life partner on account of the voluminous demands of my gut fauna.
    No, I think in such cases, the answer has to be a very bland diet for some days in advance. Boiled fish, white bread and no vegetables for two or three days. This way, hopefully, one can ensure a silent night and a toot-free probationary period.

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