Rule #41- The ‘I’m Not Sure If This Is A Date’ Date


via Joxemai

Let me set the scene for you (because we’ve all been in it, at the very least once or twice in our adult lives).

You’ve arranged to ‘hang out’ with someone; It’s most likely evening, there is alcohol on the table, and the sexual tension is buzzing around almost tangibly (at least you think it is… isn’t it?!). You really like them, but because of the nature of the encounter, you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual.

I think this has only happened to me twice, and both times it was confusing and rather agitating. Especially, when it comes to working out if someone is into us ‘that way’ or not.

So what can you do about it?

1. Most of these errors happen because we aren’t sure if the other person is interested in us (sometimes I wish humans could read each other’s minds, and then I remember what a god awful idea that would be). Therefore, we need to investigate things a little further.

Not that I’m against treading lightly. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that’s what a FIRST DATE is for. When you define the activity as a date, the boundaries are clear, you both know where things stand. You’ve both agreed to get a drink and see if there is ‘something there’. 

Just don’t let yourself end up in ambiguous situations! If someone says “let’s hang out next Friday!”,  Just go out on a limb and ask “like on a date?!” .

Things might not work out romantically, but at least you are both on the same page. 

2. Fear not, if you do find yourself in this unfortunate situation, there are a few ways to get out of it.

For starters, you can always be blunt and ask them (the worst that can happen is that you will end up realizing it was an awkward misunderstanding, that you can either laugh off, or end the evening prematurely with the most uncomfortable hug ever). Or you can go for plan B (this is what I usually do): show you are interested! I’ve fondly named plan B. flirt your bum off.”

3. They may not be into you at all. People flirt for so many different reasons; to make themselves feel good, they genuinely think they are just being nice (and really didn’t mean to flirt at all), they want something from you (not necessarily sexually); the possibilities are endless! 

My rule is, if I’m not sure, I either reciprocate to show I’m interested and, see where it goes – or let it go and move on.

4. If you aren’t interested in the other person, and you think you may be on a date, make it CLEAR that it isn’t a date. You don’t have to phrase it that way, you can tactfully slip it into the conversation, but make sure that they know you’re not interested. 

(Try and do this ahead of time on the phone. Make it clear up front that it’s a hang out as ‘just friends’, and try not to wind up in the most ‘couply’ spot in town).

The best relationships often grow out of friendships. Just don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the ‘does he/she like me?’ limbo! Because it’s frustrating as all hell.


  1. I seriously LOL at each of your subjects because they are dead-on accurate with what people think pertaining to dating! At least it’s how I think! And probably Carrie Bradshaw:) Please post often and soon in 2013. I love the entertainment. Happy New Year! x

  2. I also just had this experience and it’s frustrating as anything – but what happens if you live with the person??? stakes are high!

    1. Ah, opposite-sex room mates are such a complicated matter (or if you’re both gay of course). Stakes are higher, and I feel like making a move unless you are absolutely certain is a bad idea. And even then, if you do decide to take the risk, you have to have thought out the consequences (good and bad) thoroughly (and be willing to accept them).

  3. It’s funny how we can be so shy to ask the simplest things. It’s fear of rejection I think, like, “Is this is date?” and the person says, “Hell no” or something. I mean, that’s at least six months of therapy right there. Great, fun post!

  4. It’s funny to hear the other side to what I call the “accidental date”…I’m famous among my friends for ending up on a date and not knowing it all night until everyone tells me the next day..

  5. Damn. Brilliant stuff and funny, because it’s so on the mark. I’m going to pass this on to a friend who could really use the insight. Thank you.

  6. it’s always important to set things right from the get go. It makes things easier in the long-run! Less hearthaches and dissapointments :) from my own experiences

  7. I used to end up on these not-a-date dates all the time. it’s horrible! as you say, it’s all down to not asking the right questions, for fear of the answers.

    the only thing worse than the not-a-date date is when it turns into something I call ‘gay-friend syndrome’, where you get to listen to her problems, and give her back rubs, and cook for her, and hang out ALL the time, but that’s it! much as you’d like, you’re never going to be lovers, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it (except walk away, your head shaking in bemusement).

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