Rule #46- Keeping the Faith

I think these days researchers categorize religious disagreements as “unresolvable conflicts.”  I’m not sure to what extent I agree with this statement. But there is definitely something to be discussed as far as relationships go.

Can we date someone seriously who has religious beliefs different from our own? Or is it a non-issue and I’m just old fashioned?

I most certainly can’t call myself religious  I’m probably traditional at best, but I honestly can’t see myself dating someone of a different religion. Not because I believe god will revoke my pass into heaven, but rather because tradition and faith are so fundamentally part of my personality that I have trouble imagining myself living with someone who has a whole different set of them.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I’ve got it all backwards.  Maybe it’s enough that he believes in democracy, and he respects my place as a modern working woman. Maybe all those strange traditions that my ancestors  passed down to me are only secondary to my liberal modern upbringing.

Or are they?

I mean, at the end of the day I love celebrating the holidays. I want to keep those old traditions alive even when I have saved up enough to finally own my own house (fingers crossed that too will happen someday. That is, when I give up teaching, and get a job that actually pays).

So can it work?

I’ve decide to bring in back-up. 

This section was written by a friend of the blogger’s, who is from a secular-but-traditional family and in a happy relationship with a person whose beliefs and religious affiliation differ from hers, and thinks she knows a thing or two about dealing with the “religion issue” — that sometimes painful wedge that exists between the two of you when it comes to matters of faith, culture and tradition.

Back to “Can it work?”: that’s a trick question. When you’re just dating a person, religion isn’t as likely to come up and be a real problem. But when you get more serious about someone and bring them home to meet your parents (and grandparents), you’re bound to start asking yourself the “religion question”, and your significant other might be too.

But this question can have many different answers. If your family’s so traditional and if you belong to such a tight-knit community that you know the two of you won’t be able to be together unless you elope or even cut ties with your loved ones, you might want to come to terms with the fact that your relationship has an expiration date (or, well, just elope).

Bear in mind that being in a relationship your parents are adamant about not accepting will put a heavy strain on you, on your relationship and on your partner, who will want to share your pain. It might prove very difficult to cope without your parents’ moral and financial support, your mother’s hugs and your father’s advice (and occasional proud gaze). Worst of all, should your partner decide not to stick around, you’ll be left all alone to nurse your heartbreak with a healthy dose of “I told you so’s.”

This also depends on your partner’s religious orientation: if he’s technically of your religion but an atheist or of another caste, your parents might eventually come ‘round. If one of his parents is of your religion, your parents might eventually warm to him. If he’s of a different religion but you both share the same values, outlook or philosophy of life, you may have a chance. If he’s of a different religion but of the same culture, or moved to your country at a young age, it may well work, even if he’s of a different religion (my boyfriend and I are an example of this). But if he’s a devout Catholic from Poland and you’ve been raised as a devout Sikh from the Punjab, it might not work out so well for the two of you – because of cultural and religious differences alike. (Remember how in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the protagonists were both Christians, but one was Greek Orthodox while the other wasn’t? And even after the groom agreed to become Greek Orthodox, the bride’s father still felt betrayed, because the groom wasn’t culturally/ethnically Greek?)

If, on the other hand, your parents are less religious, or more open, there’s a chance that they’ll accept your partner with open arms, even if you have to deal with a rocky start in the first few weeks. If your parents raised you in a secular and liberal home and they still don’t accept your boyfriend, you should ask yourself if maybe the religious issue is not at the heart of their rejection. For example, they may be wary of accepting him because they believe the religious differences preclude the possibility of your building a happy and harmonious home together, and if you convince them that you share the same values, they’ll accept your partner. (Of course, it’s possible that they just think he’s a jerk.)

Or perhaps they think the religious differences belie even bigger cultural differences, in which case you have to ask yourself if these differences are surmountable. Or perhaps they worry about your legal status: will you be able to marry this man legally in your country, and will you be entitled to full rights as a married couple? Does your country have civil marriage? Does your religious denomination recognize mixed marriages? What will the status of your children be?

If you haven’t asked yourself these questions yet, you may find that they are crucial to figuring out if there’s a chance for the two of you – and they’re probably the questions running through your parents’ head, and the reason for their objection to your union.

Under what conditions can it work?

First of all, religion can be many things. It can be  a set of childhood memories of holidays or the name you were given by your parents, but not necessarily something that has had a real impact on you growing up.

Or it can be an integral part of your identity, be it because you want to keep your family’s traditions or because you yourself have a close connection to God. If you are a spiritual person and feel that you share a spiritual affinity with your significant other despite the religious differences, you’ll probably be fine. If religion means little to the both of you but you share the same world-view, you’ll be ok also. And if religion to you is an amalgam of traditions and rituals you want your children (and spouse) to be part of, you have to make sure your significant other is willing to respect that (bear in mind that you will probably have to respect and even keep his own traditions in return – are you willing to change your lifestyle and do that?).

If the question of conversion arises and it becomes clear that the relationship cannot proceed without it, ask yourselves which one of you should convert and why, and what it will require of you as individuals and a couple. If you ask him to convert, will your partner feel like you can’t accept him as he is, that you need him to change too much? Will it alienate and hurt him and tear the two of you apart? Will it turn you into Marta and him into the Baron Münchhausen (an analogy my boyfriend and I often use when discussing this hot topic)? If so, just let it go.

Sometimes the “religion issue” can interfere in the bedroom as well — sometimes being brought up in a particular faith will shape the way we think about sex. For example, you may be all for abstinence, while he might expect sex way before the wedding night. He may have had a wild past, while you may have been “saving yourself”. You may have been brought up in a strict community that segregates men and women, while he may have lost his virginity at 13. You may have been brought up to get married early, while he may be planning to keep his bachelor pad at least until his 35th birthday. You may be pro-choice while he may be pro-life. These are extreme examples, but many interfaith couples are bound to encounter the “grey areas” of having differing (sometimes conflicting) opinions about sex. This is best solved by talking about it. If you’re disappointed that he’s not on the same page as you are where sex is concerned, don’t hide it from him — he might not even have realized.

Basically, it will only work if the two of you learn to accept each other’s religious traditions AND world-view. You should be accepting, mature and strong enough, and have enough resolve, to stay together even if one or both of you become a bit more religious, or show more signs of wanting to keep religious traditions.

What can you do to make it work?

1. Read and learn about your partner’s religion (and culture!) and have him read about yours – not on Wikipedia. Real books and stuff. Even THE books (the Bible, Qur’an…). Ask your partner questions about his religion, surprise him with facts you read that he might not know, try to figure out how he sees his religion and try to see it through his eyes. Ignorance isn’t sexy, and won’t endear you to his family or community either.

2. Try to find the points your religions have in common, in spirit if not in practice.

3. Try to see his religion in a positive light — you might find that some traditions seem beautiful to you, and you might want to experience them yourself with his family (and someday, with yours).

4. Be frank with each other and tell each other what you will and won’t give up, and which traditions you insist on keeping. In other words: set limits, and respect each other’s limits.

5. Don’t ask each other to make major changes as an ultimatum for staying together.

6. Don’t badmouth each other’s religion, culture, parents and upbringing as a way of trying to deal with the differences between you. Don’t keep your significant other from keeping his/her traditions, don’t put obstacles in the way of their faith.

7. Don’t turn your discussions into a contest of which religion is better. If you can’t accept that the person closest to you doesn’t believe what you believe, you’re better off apart. (Especially when there are kids in the picture — don’t entice them to choose your religion over your spouse’s, and don’t make them choose one religion just to prove a point.)

8. Try not to antagonize your parents to the point of breaking contact, and definitely don’t put on dramatic and rebellious airs of the type you were notorious for when you were sixteen. Try to understand their point of view. You’re not Romeo and Juliet, and your parents are not evil. HOWEVER, don’t let them insult your partner or his religion, don’t let them stereotypify him. Stand up to them. Have them get to know your partner, and if that doesn’t help matters, just keep on standing up to them.

Be prepared for the possibility that like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, your parents will conclude that that “on the other hand, there is no other hand” and never speak to you again. This is probably a very rare occurrence in real life (even in the most closed religious communities many parents sneak out to meet with their excommunicated children), unless you’re a pogrom-stricken Jew and decide to shack up with a village Cossack. Anyway, keep this in mind — any other reaction on your parents’ part will seem like a blessing in comparison…

9. Try to be understanding of your partner if they find the religious issue difficult to handle or fail to realize how significant religion is (or isn’t) to you. Try to explain things in a calm and composed manner.

10. Don’t turn religion into a weapon you can use against your partner, or a place to retreat to when you want to hide from them. Don’t hurt them deliberately by pushing them away.

11. Try to find out what your religion says about mixed marriages. Maybe talk to a clergyman or layperson your trust. Perhaps your religion allows intermarriage without conversion? There are several religions that do.

12. Never say never. Don’t assume tradition will never matter to you, and don’t tell your significant other as much (“I swear, I’ll never care about religion, it will never come between us!”). Sometimes when people start a family they want to pass certain traditions on to their children, so don’t deny that this is a possibility. Discuss it honestly, preferably before the time comes to pass traditions on.

Rule #43- Compare and Contrast

I think humanity would be a lot happier if we could just admit to ourselves that we compare things and that’s all right. We don’t do it deliberately, we don’t do it in order to hurt someone else, it’s something that just happens.  

Be it cooking skills, sex, or even strange things like feet size, reading habits, or spelling abilities, the list goes on and on. It just happens, it’s a fleeting thought that goes through our head during sex, on the way to work, or over dinner. It just happens!

But just because it’s completely normal, and happens to everyone, doesn’t reduce the catastrophic effect that a slip of the tongue can have on our love life.

So, here are some simple, easy to use and implement pointers on: how to avoid such catatonic scenarios:

1. Never EVER verbalize it! Never say things like“but my ex used to do that in bed…” or “mmm…. it’s such a shame you can’t make toast, my ex was an amazing cook.” No good can ever come of statements like that. You can think them, it’s completely normal to think them, just never say them out loud! 

2. Your new love interest is not your ex! This is probably a good thing seeing as you burnt all of the things you ex left at your place and swore never to utter their name again. Just remember that when silly thoughts like: “god damn it, why doesn’t she lift the toilet seat back up when she’s done peeing?!” go through your head.

3. Stop constantly worrying if they are comparing you to their ex. First of all, they probably are. Not all the time, but it’s probably happened once or twice. You’ve done it too, so just deal with it and move on! (And the best way to do that is to make new shared memories.)

4. If your lovely significant other does let something slip about their ex, avoid the temptation to ‘even the score’ by saying something back. Just because they were tactless doesn’t mean retribution is the way to go.

Instead, tell them that is makes you feel uncomfortable when they compare you to their ex.

Just remember. You and your ex aren’t together anymore, because while they may have been a great cook, they were a shitty listener and didn’t give you any emotional support. The sex may have been amazing, but you spent every single moment outside of the bedroom arguing. And remember: your significant other and his ex also broke up for a reason, just like you and your ex. Just because your new love has a couple of flaws doesn’t make them any less amazing or perfect for you, and give you what you need from a relationship. 

And when in doubt, I always recall the Daphne du Maurier novel Rebecca. The main character spends the whole book living in her husband’s dead wife’s shadow. She is constantly wracked by nerves because she feels she can never possibly live up to this amazing woman in his eyes — only to discover that  he was the one who murdered her.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t exactly the same situation. But the moral (of the post , not the story. The moral of the story is to pick a significant other whose wife didn’t die under suspicious circumstances) is this: Don’t let that one tiny thing that your ex did, that your new partner doesn’t, mess up a perfectly good relationship. 

Communications 101

I love reading and proofreading this blog (the admin is not only one witty chick, she’s also a ‘creative’ speller), but I wasn’t sure I was up for writing a guest post. In our social circle, I’m usually known as the introverted one, the inexperienced one. I’ve never had a successful “first date”.  My relationships tend to grow out of existing friendships. So what advice could I possibly give?

I’m here to talk to you about something I’ve gotten to know pretty intimately from a relationship perspective. Not so much from a dating perspective, but I know that it’s just as important when you’re dating. It may even be a deciding factor in choosing whether or not to continue dating a person. I’m referring, of course, to communication — the same ability that was so uniquely well-developed among the early humans that it enabled them to conquer the animal world. Unfortunately, today we don’t give our ability to communicate due credit. Sometimes we even neglect it, causing the building blocks of our social and romantic lives to fall apart.

My boyfriend and I got together several months ago after two years of close friendship. We waited so long because all the odds were, and still are, against us – we differ in everything from religion and cultural background to sexual experience and history. But we are the same where it matters – in our hearts and in our behavior toward each other, which reflects the kind of commitment, stability and security (not to mention good humor) our relationship requires to surmount the many obstacles blocking its path.

We know that if we’re going to build a relationship and keep it going despite the heavy external pressure and high stakes, neither of us can afford to up the ante and add internal pressure to the mix by playing games with each other. We have to be as transparent as possible whenever we communicate (which, ideally, should be often) — without false pretenses. Whenever I put on airs, hide things from him or tell “white lies,” my bf calls me out on it. I appreciate and admire him for that.

Despite the impulse to cut corners, it’s best to be true to yourself and honest to others in all your relationships — with friends, and even with acquaintances. This will make others see you as credible and trustworthy — and maybe even dateworthy.  Because when you’re dating or trying to build a relationship – not to mention keep one going – open, honest communication is key.

For me personally, dishonesty and evasive behavior have always been deal-breakers. There was a guy I loved a lot, but couldn’t bring myself to give my heart to him because, among other reasons, I could tell he wasn’t telling me the whole truth (about small things, such as why he was late to pick me up, and about big things, such as his feelings for his ex). He thought he was being tall, dark, handsome (he is all of the above) and mysterious — but to me, it seemed less like a mystery and more like a giant “don’t go there” sign hanging over his head.

This may seem obvious to some of you. I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to hear how important open communication is in theory – but what about in practice? Are you as honest and open with your date or partner as you should be? Or are you playing games?

That’s right, folks — the opposite of being open and honest in any social connection — be it friendship, family ties or a romantic relationship — is hiding things and playing games. Playing games isn’t sexy, spicy, fun or exciting in the long run – even if it’s Christian Grey who’s doing it. All it does is introduce confusion, discomfort and tension into a relationship. Not to mention jealousy, suspicion and all that rot.

Our “honesty is the best policy” policy doesn’t mean we can’t have fun, pretend or roleplay in the bedroom – we can and do. But there are other things in the bedroom (and out of it) we won’t lie to each other about — such as if we’re too tired to do anything, if something hurts or isn’t pleasurable, if we’re insecure about something sexual or about our bodies, if we’re too scared to try something, if we want to try something but don’t know how or if one of us has trouble reaching climax (for example, he’s made me swear I’ll always let him know what’s going on if I get the urge to fake it), and so on and so forth.

Each of us knows the other is there to support and help (or, if need be, laugh about it), and we don’t shy away from each other, even if we feel too scared, insecure or embarrassed to talk about whatever it is that’s on our mind. At the end of the day, making ourselves vulnerable and transparent to each other doesn’t make us weaker; it makes us stronger both as individuals and as a couple. It gives me strength to know that he accepts and supports me exactly as I am, without any embellishments, without any of the masks I usually put on in the outside world, in a professional or academic environment. And I know and love him just as he is, no illusions to be disenchanted when the Oxytocin dissipates.

At the outset of our relationship, we discussed at length our exes and past experiences. He said one thing that bothered him about his exes was that they always expected him to automatically know what they were thinking and feeling, to always be aware of their wants and needs. If he couldn’t guess, confusion would ensue: he would feel inadequate, and they would feel he wasn’t being attentive enough, wasn’t a proper “knight in shining armor” — because he couldn’t preempt their every need. They hoped he would change and become what they needed, he hoped they would accept him as he is. Eventually — inevitably — they broke up.

At the root of this dissonance lay an acute lack of communication. You can’t expect your man to know what you want and need without telling him anything and just expecting him to guess. And you definitely can’t put him down, think any less of him or wish he would change when he doesn’t, because he’s hardly Mel Gibson in What Women Want – odds are he’s just as shy and insecure as you are. What he needs from you is communication and validation, not enigmatic behavior and mind games. He’s no mind-reader and you’re no fairy-tale princess — you’ll just have to tell him what you want and how you feel. Because if you don’t, he might misunderstand or never know — and disappoint you for no reason at all other than fucked-up communication stemming from misguided expectations and a failure to accept one’s partner as (s)he is.

I’ve known some people who loved their partners a lot, but didn’t respect them enough to be open and honest with them. In the long run, this state of affairs culminated in a traumatic break-up. But how did it come to pass in the first place?

They say that love is blind. It really is. But if a stable, lasting relationship is what you’re after, you can’t afford to overlook the truly important things – and not just if the stakes are high, as they are in my current relationship. And definitely not just when the shit hits the fan.

Anger, frustration, embarrassment and other not-so-positive emotions can accumulate and cause tension between you and your partner if you don’t let them out through the proper channels – and by that, I mean without shouting, screaming, crying or being hysterical in general (and taking it out on your partner, at that). As the admin of this blog wrote in her previous post, you have to be attentive toward your partner and make sure there’s nothing wrong on their end — otherwise there’s quite a lot you’re going to miss.

But there is something you can do on your end, too. Some of the people I know aren’t that open with their partner, but really they mean well – they love their partner and think they’re being honest with them. What they don’t realize is that they’re not being honest with themselves first and foremost. There’s something they won’t admit to themselves or have convinced themselves is not true or of no consequence. But usually others – sometimes even their partner – can tell that something (that you don’t really see yourself with that person in the long term, that the sex isn’t really all that, that you’re repulsed by their porn habit even though Cosmopolitan says you should embrace it, that something about them just bothers you) is wrong and has been left unsaid. That is also the case with things you can admit to yourself, but not to your partner – sooner or later (most likely later, because they’re probably in denial too), they’ll figure out that you don’t really love them or that you’re actually allergic to their beloved cat Fluffy. And it’ll hurt so much more when they do.

So just be honest about things – with your partner, yes, but first and foremost with yourself. You’ll probably thank yourself later.

Rule #34- Opening Up the Archives

via Adam Jones, Ph.D.

A while back I was on a date; it was going well and I had just ordered my second beer. The chemistry was good, and for a change I was starting to enjoy myself. Soon I was lulled into a false sense of security, otherwise known as flowing conversation.

When out of nowhere came the following: “So, when was your last serious relationship and why did it end?”

Me, trying not to splutter my beer very inelegantly all over my date, and mumbling something about not wanting to talk about it.

I might be wrong about this (yes, that does happen sometimes!) but I firmly believe that the EX files need to stay shut, at least for the first few dates.

Rules for Dredging Up Your Past:

1. This conversation is bound to come up, the question is just when. There really is no good time to talk about your past failed relationships, there are just worse times (like first dates, or during/after sex).

If it comes up, let it, and be honest about why things ended.

2. Don’t badmouth, curse, or rant about your ex! Worst move ever; it just makes you seem a little petty. (Not to mention that there were probably some good things that made you two stay together for so long.)

Avoid sentences like; “That cheating bastard, speaking of cheating bastards, if you ever try anything like that, I’ll lop off your…” – well, you get the picture.

3. That said, there is no need for praise either. It will just make your date feel uncomfortable.

4. Try not to talk about your ex all the time. It may give the wrong impression that you aren’t over them (are you?).

Don’t say things like: “I don’t know where that lamp is from, my ex chose all the furniture”, or “ooo that reminds me of that one time we went hiking and…” Just rethink those kind of stories. 

We all have a past, and we are well aware of the fact that the person we are dating has one as well. But there really is no need to constantly reminisce about it. Mainly, because the last thing you want to do is make your present feel awkward, or give them the feeling that things aren’t quite over emotionally between you and your ex. 

At some point, when you both feel cozy, snug, and secure in the relationship it will probably be a non-issue, but until that point, just get through the mandatory “so we dated for five years, and before that there was…”, and stay away from the ten hour analytic speech about why it ended because of his fear of commitment.

Rule #32- Boundaries

I was walking to work a few days ago, listening to my audio-book and thoroughly engaged in my own little world, when a guy started chatting to me. I wasn’t in a very good mood, and didn’t want to prolong the conversation (it was really awkward, and he was acting very strangely). I politely apologized for having to rush off to a meeting, bid him a good day, and walked off towards my building.

I was just opening the door, when I noticed him out of the corner of my eye, dashing after me. He bounded up, red in the face, and very angry that I had walked off. Confused and a little upset, I tried to explain that I was late for a meeting and really did have to leave (but this just made him even crosser).

At this point, he was ranting on about something. I just stood, rooted to the spot, too shocked to react. After a few (very long minutes) of verbal abuse on his part, I opened the door, walked through it, and ran up the flight of stairs. When he realized what I did, he followed suit. Resulting in me hiding in the ladies’ room for half an hour (only agreeing to come out after a friend of mine, who had walked into the bathroom, went out and scouted the landing to make sure the coast was clear).

(Yes, I had to be rescued from the girls’ bathroom!)

Anyway, I’m fairly sure this lovely man didn’t even realize he had crossed the line, my line. (Yes, people tend to come in all shades of oblivious). 

We all have boundaries, physical and emotional; lines that we don’t like other people to cross!

For some reason, I was convinced I had posted on the topic a while back, but turns out I haven’t, so that’s what we will be talking about today!

Rules For How Not to Step Out of Bounds:

1. RESPECT each other’s boundaries! If your prince charming (trapped as a beast) asks you not to go into the west wing, then you stay out of the west wing!

We all have our own little things that bug us when it comes to personal space. Some people need more of it, and others less. But at the end of the day, the whole thing is a very subjective matter. Sometimes we just need to accept the oddities of our respective partners.

2. Boundaries slowly come down (both the physical and emotional ones); that is just the natural way of things in a relationship. DO NOT FORCE THEM! You shouldn’t corner someone into doing something they are not ready to do, or share something they are not ready to tell you (that just builds resentment and contempt).

I know the wait can be frustrating, but your relationship will be stronger for it. Just make sure they know you are there for them when they are ready to open up.

3. Make sure you make it clear where YOU draw the line. The other person probably doesn’t even know they crossed it! (Don’t expect people to guess these things, because they probably won’t, which will only upset you).

We don’t all have the same issues, some of us (like me) are more touchy about stuff, and it is really really easy to make me feel uncomfortable. And I do try to make an effort to make it known to other people what bothers me. (For example, I hate inviting people over, it’s my personal space and it takes me forever to agree to share it).

4. No, means NO, always!

Rule #31- That Awkward Moment When You Run Into Someone You Used To Date

A couple of weeks ago I was strolling along, minding my own business and fumbling around for something in my bag. I look up, and  lock eyes with this guy I went out with a couple of years ago (if you haven’t read the post about this particularly awful date, do so now). Not having enough time to duck behind a rubbish bin or a parked car, I was forced into a very awkward, very smiley conversation with him.

There is no strict protocol about what to do or how to behave when you run into someone you once went out with. The harder the break-up, the harder the accidental run-in (here’s to hoping you aren’t stalking them and haven’t orchestrated the whole thing).

I personally become over-smiley and laugh way too much; but to be fair, this is how I choose to deal with most awkward situations.

You’ve pictured this very moment in your head (about a million times); you’re always wearing a sexy red dress (and are possibly sporting an awesome new pair of boots/hot guy). You smile casually, say hello (noting happily that he’s put on weight and his new girlfriend is in no way prettier than you).

But in reality, you are probably going to run into him at that precise moment that you’re late for work, just got into a huge fight with your mother, and haven’t washed your hair in three days.

Rules For Bumping Into An Ex:

1. Things you should NOT, under any circumstances, do:

A. Veer of course and “casually” dive behind a dumpster; your’e not fooling anyone! Don’t hide or ignore them; you are better than that!

B. NEVER ask: “so… are you seeing anyone?”

First of all, you don’t really want to know if he is. Secondly, it’s the worst kind of small talk imaginable. Also, and most importantly, he may misunderstand and think you are interested!  Which can either lead to him turning you down, or even more awkward, him calling you. 

C. Don’t flirt! 

D. Don’t talk about the amazing new guy you’re dating! It’s disrespectful and not very nice (yes, I know he was the one who dumped you! But he’s now fifty kilos heavier, and unemployed to boot. So no need to rub it in).

E. Don’t be mean or spiteful.

F. You had a nice chat, you smiled just the right amount, you are almost out of the danger zone. And then, as if out of nowhere, you blurt: “We should really get together sometime”.  You don’t want to hang out, you don’t really ever want to see him again; it just seemed like the polite way to say goodbye.

JUST SAY GOODBYE AND GET OUT OF THERE!

2. Keep the conversation short, simple and friendly.

Just say hello, be polite, inquire about his health, and then you can get the hell out of there.

If you really can’t face him, for whatever reason,  just smile when you walk past (acknowledge him) and keep on walking.

Rule #30- Theatrics

Drama. We all love it. We love watching it on the television, one table over in the coffee shop (you know, that couple making a very loud scene). It’s natural to want to spice up our lives with a little bit of it.

It’s just one of my little vices, I can’t help  myself, routine is just so dull. Now, you have to understand, I’m not a particularly dramatic person myself, so in order to compensate, I land myself in the most overly-complicated situations (not deliberately of course).

I fee like sharing some of the stupid things I’ve wound up doing might burn my credibility irreparably. So you will have to forgive me for not sharing.

Rules For a Drama-Free Dating Environment:

1. Don’t make a scene. Argue Properly. Also, fight at home! Don’t be ‘that couple’, in the kitchen, at a party, that all their friends spend the whole evening pretending not to hear what they’re saying.

2. Try not to jump to conclusions. That’s how most overly-dramatic arguments start. (Whenever I think of conclusions, it always reminds me of a scene in The Phantom Tollbooth;  Milo and his two companions make a silly assumption and find themselves stranded on the island Conclusions. With no way off and have to swim to shore.).

Before making up your mind about something, and letting it ignite a huge fight, make sure you have all your facts straight (or you too, may up stranded in a very unpleasant situation).

3. Avoid hurling sharp objects. That’s just good advice in general.

4. Don’t, and I mean  DON’T, under any circumstances, tell the other person they are being dramatic. Telling someone they are blowing something out of proportion will just make everything a lot worse. All feelings are valid! We are all entitled to feel strongly about something from time to time; even if someone else might not understand why.

A guy was once over an hour late picking me up. If there is one thing that gets my blood boiling, it’s people who are late. So I just left, went home, and refused to take his calls. He really didn’t get why it had upset me. 

Different things upset different people and part of being in a relationship with someone is accepting and respecting that fact.

Rule #24- T.M.I, Thank You Very Much!

We all have, what a wise woman (and her screen play writer) once referred to as: our S.S.B-Secret Single Behaviour; things we would only dare do behind a locked door, alone. (gosh, how would I ever write if I couldn’t quote Sex and the City?!).

Naturally, in a relationship, we either have to give up on some of our little vices, or learn  how to hide them better.

As close as we are to the other person, there are some things we just don’t want them to know! 

Personally, I like to sit around in bed in my undies, binge eat crisps, and watch old episodes of coupling. Not that my behaviour is particularly outrageous/disgusting (albeit, some people might argue that there is nothing worse than crumbs in bed), it’s just something I only like doing solo.

So, at what point  is it ok to start letting our guard down, and what things are just never a good idea to share? 

Rule for NOT Over Sharing: 

1. Everyone has their little gross habits, things that are only considered horrid if done in front of someone else. What I’m saying is, that some things don’t need to be shared; it’s perfectly fine that your boyfriend doesn’t know everything about you. This in no way means that you don’t have a healthy, open partnership; it just means that you have boundaries.

Boundaries are important! They allow us to maintain our own personal space within the relationship.

 2. Different people have different lines they will/won’t cross before their silver wedding anniversary. He may find it perfectly normal to wax his chest in front of you; if this is something you don’t wanna see, ask him nicely not to do it when you’re around ( and don’t make him feel like a leper for it!).

3. The walls will come down slowly, that’s just the way it works; there is no need to rush, or force the inevitable.

Whether it’s leaving the toilet door open when you pee, or telling your boyfriend about that time you got really bad food poisoning in Bolivia, you should be in a place where sharing these things feels comfortable (for the both of you).

Rule #23- The Gossip

In a world where gossip is practically social currency, it has become gradually harder to keep those intimate relationship tidbits to ourselves; it’s expected of us to share almost every little detail of our love lives.

Men, dating, sex, there really isn’t much we don’t talk about; it’s fun, bonding and a great deal more entertaining than the daily news (well most of the time).

And naturally, is always followed by the obligatory: “no honey, of course I didn’t tell the girls about that new odd thing we tried…” 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am one of the biggest gossips you will ever meet, but when does recalling all of our private affairs become harmful to them?

Rules for Moderated Girl-Talk:

1. Talk about you dating/sex life with your friends, but don’t forget there are only two of you in the relationship.

It’s great to get an outside perspective, but that isn’t always the case. Don’t forget that your friends aren’t dating your boyfriend; so it’s important to take any advice they give with a grain of salt.

2. If your partner asks you not to repeat something, keep it to yourself! (Same goes for your friends; if they ask you not to talk about an issue with your boyfriend, respect that!).

 3.At the end of the day, there is always the fail proof technique of asking yourself: would I want HIS friends to know that? If the answer is no, keep quiet about that worrying rash he found last night.

4. When you build a relationship with someone, you also build your own little world together. Part of that, is having little secrets and inside jokes, that are private, and sharing everything with your friends (in my opinion), takes a little away from the fun.

Rule #22- Sexpectations

Last Friday afternoon, my lady friends and I went out for coffee in the big city. It was nice and sunny out as we sipped our hot beverages and chatted; when inevitably, the conversation turned very quickly to sex.

 

My friend has just started dating a new gentleman; they are deep into the mutual sleep-over faze and overall, very happy together.  But (come on, you knew there would be a ‘but’), they each have a very different idea of what qualifies as a satisfactory sex life.

 

Now, as much as we would all love for our sex lives to stay in that wonderful ‘new relationship, kinky sex, lingerie and foot-cuffs’ period, routine always tends to sneak it.

Whether it has been a long day at work, the car broke down, or a report is due in the morning; no matter what the reason, we have all been here:

 

Our sexpectations just aren’t aliened.   

I’ve decided to split the rules up according to gender (but feel free to read both).

Rules for The Gentleman:

1. Now as much as you would like every evening to end like this:

The reality is a little different.

Your lady might have had a rough day and not be that into it. This does not mean that she is not into you! Try getting her into the mood instead of sulking/begging/getting cross; offer her a foot rub/massage/glass of wine.

2. If you don’t end up having sex DO NOT make her feel bad about it. Otherwise, she will end up resenting you for it (because she will feel obligated to have sex with you), this will result in less sex in the future (and no one wants that!).

3. If you really find yourself in a rut, where you are not getting up to anything at all (you are going to hate this), you need to talk about it; discuss your mutual bedroom expectations.

4. And you know what, if you are not going to get any action, take care of it for yourself! Not as much fun, but will save you both a great deal of frustration.

Rules for The Ladies:

1. If he is too tired or stressed, don’t make a big deal out of it!!! I’m not sure how much I can emphasize this point. It isn’t you!  It’s probably his boss! If you start making a scene out of it, it will just make you both feel awkward about the sex.

(Now, while this isn’t always the case, the chances you will be in the mood and he won’t are less likely; but just because that is the case, it doesn’t mean something is wrong).

2. Be sneaky! Wind him up! Put on something skimpy and walk around the house in it, offer him a back rub (or anything else that works for him).

3. Don’t feel pressured to have sex! Sex should be fun and bonding, not a chore! That said, not having any at all is not healthy for your relationship (and if that’s what’s going on, this is a big issue you need to discuss).

Men need sex to feel loved, and woman need to feel loved to have sex; this is a proven fact, and an important one at that.

4. If he isn’t in the mood, that doesn’t mean you should suffer! Get something that vibrates or take care of it manually!

People! Sex should be something enjoyable and mutually pleasurable, don’t turn it into the big awkward elephant in the room!