Rule #46- Keeping the Faith

I think these days researchers categorize religious disagreements as “unresolvable conflicts.”  I’m not sure to what extent I agree with this statement. But there is definitely something to be discussed as far as relationships go.

Can we date someone seriously who has religious beliefs different from our own? Or is it a non-issue and I’m just old fashioned?

I most certainly can’t call myself religious  I’m probably traditional at best, but I honestly can’t see myself dating someone of a different religion. Not because I believe god will revoke my pass into heaven, but rather because tradition and faith are so fundamentally part of my personality that I have trouble imagining myself living with someone who has a whole different set of them.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I’ve got it all backwards.  Maybe it’s enough that he believes in democracy, and he respects my place as a modern working woman. Maybe all those strange traditions that my ancestors  passed down to me are only secondary to my liberal modern upbringing.

Or are they?

I mean, at the end of the day I love celebrating the holidays. I want to keep those old traditions alive even when I have saved up enough to finally own my own house (fingers crossed that too will happen someday. That is, when I give up teaching, and get a job that actually pays).

So can it work?

I’ve decide to bring in back-up. 

This section was written by a friend of the blogger’s, who is from a secular-but-traditional family and in a happy relationship with a person whose beliefs and religious affiliation differ from hers, and thinks she knows a thing or two about dealing with the “religion issue” — that sometimes painful wedge that exists between the two of you when it comes to matters of faith, culture and tradition.

Back to “Can it work?”: that’s a trick question. When you’re just dating a person, religion isn’t as likely to come up and be a real problem. But when you get more serious about someone and bring them home to meet your parents (and grandparents), you’re bound to start asking yourself the “religion question”, and your significant other might be too.

But this question can have many different answers. If your family’s so traditional and if you belong to such a tight-knit community that you know the two of you won’t be able to be together unless you elope or even cut ties with your loved ones, you might want to come to terms with the fact that your relationship has an expiration date (or, well, just elope).

Bear in mind that being in a relationship your parents are adamant about not accepting will put a heavy strain on you, on your relationship and on your partner, who will want to share your pain. It might prove very difficult to cope without your parents’ moral and financial support, your mother’s hugs and your father’s advice (and occasional proud gaze). Worst of all, should your partner decide not to stick around, you’ll be left all alone to nurse your heartbreak with a healthy dose of “I told you so’s.”

This also depends on your partner’s religious orientation: if he’s technically of your religion but an atheist or of another caste, your parents might eventually come ‘round. If one of his parents is of your religion, your parents might eventually warm to him. If he’s of a different religion but you both share the same values, outlook or philosophy of life, you may have a chance. If he’s of a different religion but of the same culture, or moved to your country at a young age, it may well work, even if he’s of a different religion (my boyfriend and I are an example of this). But if he’s a devout Catholic from Poland and you’ve been raised as a devout Sikh from the Punjab, it might not work out so well for the two of you – because of cultural and religious differences alike. (Remember how in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the protagonists were both Christians, but one was Greek Orthodox while the other wasn’t? And even after the groom agreed to become Greek Orthodox, the bride’s father still felt betrayed, because the groom wasn’t culturally/ethnically Greek?)

If, on the other hand, your parents are less religious, or more open, there’s a chance that they’ll accept your partner with open arms, even if you have to deal with a rocky start in the first few weeks. If your parents raised you in a secular and liberal home and they still don’t accept your boyfriend, you should ask yourself if maybe the religious issue is not at the heart of their rejection. For example, they may be wary of accepting him because they believe the religious differences preclude the possibility of your building a happy and harmonious home together, and if you convince them that you share the same values, they’ll accept your partner. (Of course, it’s possible that they just think he’s a jerk.)

Or perhaps they think the religious differences belie even bigger cultural differences, in which case you have to ask yourself if these differences are surmountable. Or perhaps they worry about your legal status: will you be able to marry this man legally in your country, and will you be entitled to full rights as a married couple? Does your country have civil marriage? Does your religious denomination recognize mixed marriages? What will the status of your children be?

If you haven’t asked yourself these questions yet, you may find that they are crucial to figuring out if there’s a chance for the two of you – and they’re probably the questions running through your parents’ head, and the reason for their objection to your union.

Under what conditions can it work?

First of all, religion can be many things. It can be  a set of childhood memories of holidays or the name you were given by your parents, but not necessarily something that has had a real impact on you growing up.

Or it can be an integral part of your identity, be it because you want to keep your family’s traditions or because you yourself have a close connection to God. If you are a spiritual person and feel that you share a spiritual affinity with your significant other despite the religious differences, you’ll probably be fine. If religion means little to the both of you but you share the same world-view, you’ll be ok also. And if religion to you is an amalgam of traditions and rituals you want your children (and spouse) to be part of, you have to make sure your significant other is willing to respect that (bear in mind that you will probably have to respect and even keep his own traditions in return – are you willing to change your lifestyle and do that?).

If the question of conversion arises and it becomes clear that the relationship cannot proceed without it, ask yourselves which one of you should convert and why, and what it will require of you as individuals and a couple. If you ask him to convert, will your partner feel like you can’t accept him as he is, that you need him to change too much? Will it alienate and hurt him and tear the two of you apart? Will it turn you into Marta and him into the Baron Münchhausen (an analogy my boyfriend and I often use when discussing this hot topic)? If so, just let it go.

Sometimes the “religion issue” can interfere in the bedroom as well — sometimes being brought up in a particular faith will shape the way we think about sex. For example, you may be all for abstinence, while he might expect sex way before the wedding night. He may have had a wild past, while you may have been “saving yourself”. You may have been brought up in a strict community that segregates men and women, while he may have lost his virginity at 13. You may have been brought up to get married early, while he may be planning to keep his bachelor pad at least until his 35th birthday. You may be pro-choice while he may be pro-life. These are extreme examples, but many interfaith couples are bound to encounter the “grey areas” of having differing (sometimes conflicting) opinions about sex. This is best solved by talking about it. If you’re disappointed that he’s not on the same page as you are where sex is concerned, don’t hide it from him — he might not even have realized.

Basically, it will only work if the two of you learn to accept each other’s religious traditions AND world-view. You should be accepting, mature and strong enough, and have enough resolve, to stay together even if one or both of you become a bit more religious, or show more signs of wanting to keep religious traditions.

What can you do to make it work?

1. Read and learn about your partner’s religion (and culture!) and have him read about yours – not on Wikipedia. Real books and stuff. Even THE books (the Bible, Qur’an…). Ask your partner questions about his religion, surprise him with facts you read that he might not know, try to figure out how he sees his religion and try to see it through his eyes. Ignorance isn’t sexy, and won’t endear you to his family or community either.

2. Try to find the points your religions have in common, in spirit if not in practice.

3. Try to see his religion in a positive light — you might find that some traditions seem beautiful to you, and you might want to experience them yourself with his family (and someday, with yours).

4. Be frank with each other and tell each other what you will and won’t give up, and which traditions you insist on keeping. In other words: set limits, and respect each other’s limits.

5. Don’t ask each other to make major changes as an ultimatum for staying together.

6. Don’t badmouth each other’s religion, culture, parents and upbringing as a way of trying to deal with the differences between you. Don’t keep your significant other from keeping his/her traditions, don’t put obstacles in the way of their faith.

7. Don’t turn your discussions into a contest of which religion is better. If you can’t accept that the person closest to you doesn’t believe what you believe, you’re better off apart. (Especially when there are kids in the picture — don’t entice them to choose your religion over your spouse’s, and don’t make them choose one religion just to prove a point.)

8. Try not to antagonize your parents to the point of breaking contact, and definitely don’t put on dramatic and rebellious airs of the type you were notorious for when you were sixteen. Try to understand their point of view. You’re not Romeo and Juliet, and your parents are not evil. HOWEVER, don’t let them insult your partner or his religion, don’t let them stereotypify him. Stand up to them. Have them get to know your partner, and if that doesn’t help matters, just keep on standing up to them.

Be prepared for the possibility that like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, your parents will conclude that that “on the other hand, there is no other hand” and never speak to you again. This is probably a very rare occurrence in real life (even in the most closed religious communities many parents sneak out to meet with their excommunicated children), unless you’re a pogrom-stricken Jew and decide to shack up with a village Cossack. Anyway, keep this in mind — any other reaction on your parents’ part will seem like a blessing in comparison…

9. Try to be understanding of your partner if they find the religious issue difficult to handle or fail to realize how significant religion is (or isn’t) to you. Try to explain things in a calm and composed manner.

10. Don’t turn religion into a weapon you can use against your partner, or a place to retreat to when you want to hide from them. Don’t hurt them deliberately by pushing them away.

11. Try to find out what your religion says about mixed marriages. Maybe talk to a clergyman or layperson your trust. Perhaps your religion allows intermarriage without conversion? There are several religions that do.

12. Never say never. Don’t assume tradition will never matter to you, and don’t tell your significant other as much (“I swear, I’ll never care about religion, it will never come between us!”). Sometimes when people start a family they want to pass certain traditions on to their children, so don’t deny that this is a possibility. Discuss it honestly, preferably before the time comes to pass traditions on.

Rule #45- Meeting The Apartment

There comes a time in every relationship when you meet your significant other’s significant other- their flat.

Now don’t get me wrong, this requires very little to no effort on your part (well, maybe stash a toothbrush in your purse/coat pocket just to be on the safe side).

For such occasions I have a little prayer. I prey that his apartment doesn’t look like a crack den, that my date had the common decency to tidy up the place, and hide his porn. That there is a role of toilet paper in the bathroom (you know what some men are like when they’ve been living alone for too long). I hope that there are clean sheets on the bed (and for that matter, that he has a bed, and not some mattress on the floor).

Honestly, the list goes on, but the bottom line is this. I judge. We all judge, and it is really hard to get a second chance at a first impression.

Just like we expect one another to make a little effort to clean up for a first date, we expect the person we are seeing to make their flat presentable when we see it for the first time.

But it goes both ways.

Don’t be THE PERSON who’s place looks like it’s come alive out of an episode of hoarders.

Rules for Apartment-Scaping:

1. First of all, read this brilliant blog-post, it will teach you how to make your home date-friendly within ten minutes.

2. Follow rule #1 and clean up! You don’t have to light scented candles and strategically place quantum mechanics & philosophy books to impress your date.

But you SHOULD make sure the place is clean and tidy.

This will make a good first impression.

3. We all have jobs/studies/time consuming hobbies/friends/pets, and other responsibilities.

No one expects you to keep your place spotless and immaculate at all times, you don’t live in an Ikea catalog! But basic hygiene isn’t too much to ask for (lets face it, no one is going to want to have sex with you for the first time if your bed-sheets are covered in suspicious stains…)

You know, deal with the mold in the shower, change the sheets, wash your towels, & for heavens sake, clean the toilet and kitchen!

4. The real problem with having too much stuff, and having it all over the place, is that it makes someone new feel like there is no room for them.

Remember all those photos with your ex in Bali? The ones you’ve been meaning to take down for months? Maybe this is a great opportunity to do it.

Just like we try and unclutter ourselves emotionally before a new relationship, uncluttering our house is equally as important!

Make room for your someone new.

Rule #44- Syncing Up

First of all I would like to apologize for my somewhat long absence. I decided to take an impromptu holiday in Switzerland, Germany & France. I know, it’s a rough life I lead.

In between giant pretzels covered in cheese, cheap beer, and hot chocolate, my mind started wandering back to the lovely man I had left at home. We still aren’t at that stage of taking whirlwind holidays in Europe together.

But I still had to make sure to set aside some time to send him reassuring emails that I hadn’t allowed the temptation of French pastries to go to my head and cause me to forget about him.

The trip was amazing, but I don’t get much time off, and I used up all of it getting slightly buzzed on cheese. Which was a bit of a shame, because it meant that we didn’t get to spend almost any of it together when I got back.

I rationalized that although this was a shame, it wasn’t really my fault because I had bought the ticket before we had started dating.

That said, we are now at that stage where we have to start taking into account the other’s schedule when planning our week, which can get a little sticky, because we are both horrifically busy ALL the time.

So, here are some (hopefully) useful tips in schedule syncing:

1. Set aside some time over the weekend and discuss your upcoming week! 

Naturally, there are always things that will change midweek, but taking the time to go over your schedules is a good way to show you care about what’s going on in each other’s lives.

It also has the added benefit of insuring that you find the time to see each other over the week.

2. Which leads me to; make sure to MAKE TIME to see each other. 

If per chance you are dating someone who refuses to do this. Who only wants to ‘play things by ear’ (even if it means not seeing you at all “because things didn’t work out”), it’s about time you decide if this is someone who really has room in their life for you (or more importantly, if you have room in your life for someone who is selfish with their time). 

3. Even if you have a crazy busy insane week try and find a way to stay involved.

Even if you don’t have the time to go out, show up for a sleep over. Sometimes having a nice cuddle before falling asleep helps alleviate a little of the day’s stress. Also, try and ad some conversation into your night-time routine.

Whether it’s just to stay updated because you are genuinely interested in this other human being you are dating. Or whether it’s because knowing there is someone to listen to what a horrible day you had is why you even bother with dating in the first place.

4. Never EVER make big plans (like weekends away, holiday plans and so on) without talking about them. Not cool. 

Also, if possible, try phrasing things this way: “hey darl’n, so the guys all really want to go away on a spa retreat this weekend, I’m thinking of joining them.” As apposed to just announcing that you’re going.

You aren’t asking for permission, you are showing that you are taking their plans into consideration as well as yours (and not only because you need a ride to the airport).

5. If you have to cancel plans last minute (this really boils my blood when people do it), first of all, don’t. 

But if you really have to: A. make sure that you have a good reason. B. Make sure this isn’t something you do often (or expect a relationship termination letter heading your way). C. apologize profusely for it! 

When you cancel remember that you are also screwing up someone else’s plans! There are two of you in this relationship.

I’m the last person that will tell you that being in a relationship means you have to do EVERYTHING together. In fact, I’m quite for having your own lives and interests. But you should take the time to be interested in the person you’re dating. That means talking to them before booking a long weekend away with the girls. And making a conscious effort to set aside time during the week to see them.

Rule #43- Compare and Contrast

I think humanity would be a lot happier if we could just admit to ourselves that we compare things and that’s all right. We don’t do it deliberately, we don’t do it in order to hurt someone else, it’s something that just happens.  

Be it cooking skills, sex, or even strange things like feet size, reading habits, or spelling abilities, the list goes on and on. It just happens, it’s a fleeting thought that goes through our head during sex, on the way to work, or over dinner. It just happens!

But just because it’s completely normal, and happens to everyone, doesn’t reduce the catastrophic effect that a slip of the tongue can have on our love life.

So, here are some simple, easy to use and implement pointers on: how to avoid such catatonic scenarios:

1. Never EVER verbalize it! Never say things like“but my ex used to do that in bed…” or “mmm…. it’s such a shame you can’t make toast, my ex was an amazing cook.” No good can ever come of statements like that. You can think them, it’s completely normal to think them, just never say them out loud! 

2. Your new love interest is not your ex! This is probably a good thing seeing as you burnt all of the things you ex left at your place and swore never to utter their name again. Just remember that when silly thoughts like: “god damn it, why doesn’t she lift the toilet seat back up when she’s done peeing?!” go through your head.

3. Stop constantly worrying if they are comparing you to their ex. First of all, they probably are. Not all the time, but it’s probably happened once or twice. You’ve done it too, so just deal with it and move on! (And the best way to do that is to make new shared memories.)

4. If your lovely significant other does let something slip about their ex, avoid the temptation to ‘even the score’ by saying something back. Just because they were tactless doesn’t mean retribution is the way to go.

Instead, tell them that is makes you feel uncomfortable when they compare you to their ex.

Just remember. You and your ex aren’t together anymore, because while they may have been a great cook, they were a shitty listener and didn’t give you any emotional support. The sex may have been amazing, but you spent every single moment outside of the bedroom arguing. And remember: your significant other and his ex also broke up for a reason, just like you and your ex. Just because your new love has a couple of flaws doesn’t make them any less amazing or perfect for you, and give you what you need from a relationship. 

And when in doubt, I always recall the Daphne du Maurier novel Rebecca. The main character spends the whole book living in her husband’s dead wife’s shadow. She is constantly wracked by nerves because she feels she can never possibly live up to this amazing woman in his eyes — only to discover that  he was the one who murdered her.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t exactly the same situation. But the moral (of the post , not the story. The moral of the story is to pick a significant other whose wife didn’t die under suspicious circumstances) is this: Don’t let that one tiny thing that your ex did, that your new partner doesn’t, mess up a perfectly good relationship. 

Rule #42- The Complexity of a Definition

Relationships used to be really easy to define (like two hundred years ago), you were either married or having sex out of wedlock. The number of relationship grey areas were rather minimal.

Today, we are spoiled for choice about pretty much everything. It’s the age of possibility, and with that we have many more decisions to make. The flip-side of this, being that we have more freedom to make the wrong choices as well. So to counter the possibility of god forbid making a mistake, we like to ‘keep our options open.’

This leads to even more hours, month, and even years of deliberations, mulling things over, being confused, deciding, then changing our minds, and still not being sure that we found the right person to spend the rest of our lives with.

Relationships just aren’t black and white anymore, they can be monogamous  polygamous, open, or closed. We have fun buddies, snuggle buddies, and every once in a while when we’ve had too many drinks buddies. Not to mention those friends we call just for sex, or the ones we call but don’t want to have sex with.

The possibilities are endless!

Which in some ways is wonderful, but sometimes it can be rather exhausting,  and we can never quite be certain when we should push for “defining the relationship!?”

1. For starters, never be too pushy! You might feel that you can marry this person, but that doesn’t mean they feel the same way (they may not be ‘there’ yet). Give them the space and time to catch up. Just because it takes them a little longer to feel the way you do, doesn’t make their investment in the relationship any less valid. 

If you get all passive aggressive about it, and keep bringing it up at every opportunity (thus freaking them out), you are more likely to get a ‘I’m not ready for this kind of commitment’ talk, rather than the assurance you really needed.

I once dated someone who kept calling me his girlfriend after we had been going out for like a week. Needless to say we didn’t make it past the second.

That said, if you’ve been dating for months, and you don’t feel you’re on the same page, it might be time to talk about whether or not you both want the same things.

2. I’m just gonna go ahead and say this (if you have been following my blog for long enough, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed from the repetition). Just talk about it! It doesn’t have to be a big deal, you don’t have to make a whole thing of it. Just casually bring it up, slip it into the conversation; tell him/her about ‘your mutual friend Clara from work’ who keeps asking if you two are dating, and you’re now sure how to answer.

Anyway you choose to go about it, just ask! An uncomfortable conversation is way better than hours/days of obsessing about it in your head.

But, do yourself a huge favor, have this conversation with a pinch of common sense (okey, maybe more like a handful of it). If you’ve gone on two dates you’re probably not a couple quite yet. Don’t push him/her into a corner and stress them out about defining things too quickly, because you may just end up loosing them altogether. 

Rule #41- The ‘I’m Not Sure If This Is A Date’ Date

Let me set the scene for you (because we’ve all been in it, at the very least once or twice in our adult lives).

You’ve arranged to ‘hang out’ with someone; It’s most likely evening, there is alcohol on the table, and the sexual tension is buzzing around almost tangibly (at least you think it is… isn’t it?!). You really like them, but because of the nature of the encounter, you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual.

I think this has only happened to me twice, and both times it was confusing and rather agitating. Especially, when it comes to working out if someone is into us ‘that way’ or not.

So what can you do about it?

1. Most of these errors happen because we aren’t sure if the other person is interested in us (sometimes I wish humans could read each other’s minds, and then I remember what a god awful idea that would be). Therefore, we need to investigate things a little further.

Not that I’m against treading lightly. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that’s what a FIRST DATE is for. When you define the activity as a date, the boundaries are clear, you both know where things stand. You’ve both agreed to get a drink and see if there is ‘something there’. 

Just don’t let yourself end up in ambiguous situations! If someone says “let’s hang out next Friday!”,  Just go out on a limb and ask “like on a date?!” .

Things might not work out romantically, but at least you are both on the same page. 

2. Fear not, if you do find yourself in this unfortunate situation, there are a few ways to get out of it.

For starters, you can always be blunt and ask them (the worst that can happen is that you will end up realizing it was an awkward misunderstanding, that you can either laugh off, or end the evening prematurely with the most uncomfortable hug ever). Or you can go for plan B (this is what I usually do): show you are interested! I’ve fondly named plan B. “flirt your bum off.”

3. They may not be into you at all. People flirt for so many different reasons; to make themselves feel good, they genuinely think they are just being nice (and really didn’t mean to flirt at all), they want something from you (not necessarily sexually); the possibilities are endless! 

My rule is, if I’m not sure, I either reciprocate to show I’m interested and, see where it goes - or let it go and move on.

4. If you aren’t interested in the other person, and you think you may be on a date, make it CLEAR that it isn’t a date. You don’t have to phrase it that way, you can tactfully slip it into the conversation, but make sure that they know you’re not interested. 

(Try and do this ahead of time on the phone. Make it clear up front that it’s a hang out as ‘just friends’, and try not to wind up in the most ‘couply’ spot in town).

The best relationships often grow out of friendships. Just don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the ‘does he/she like me?’ limbo! Because it’s frustrating as all hell.

Rule #40- The Sleep Barometer

I’ve been developing this working theory for the last few years that a good night’s sleep is a great indicator of whether or not you’re happy in your relationship.

The way I see it, sleep is the ultimate form of vulnerability (I mean come on, you’re practically unconscious). It’s much easier for me to jump into bed with someone new, than fall asleep with them in it.

It takes me ages of knowing someone to feel comfortable enough to drift off into sweet slumber next to them. Otherwise I just find myself lying there, staring at the ceiling and counting the minutes till dawn.

So I sat down and tried to find some creative solutions to help myself get some shut-eye:

1. First of all, just because you had sex doesn’t mean you have to sleep over/have them sleep over. 

It’s all right to go home after.

But if you do leave, bear in mind that you need to do it elegantly. No lame excuses, people! Just be honest, “I have work in the morning, and it’s hard for me to fall asleep.”

2. If you do want to spend the night, try to make yourself feel comfortable. Sleep in your cozy pajamas, and not in that satin négligée you bought (because it may look sexy as hell, but it makes you sweat like you’re on fire).

Because I read before bed (at home, at least), my new trick is to wind down with an audio book. Basically, do whatever works for you to find your zen, and relax.

3. You DON’T HAVE to sleep on top of each other!

(I’m a big fan of snuggling, but not all the time).

4. After dating someone for a while, if I still spend the whole night tossing and turning, it usually means that there is something wrong. Not feeling safe and comfortable enough to relax properlyusually indicates to me a lot more than merely I’m going to have trouble concentrating at work in the morning.

This generally means that it might be about time to have one of those awkward conversations…

On the other hand, when you do you fall asleep in seconds with a grin on your face, and only wake up to playfully nudge your snoring boyfriend (and maybe snog him a little), you know things are going well.

Communications 101

I love reading and proofreading this blog (the admin is not only one witty chick, she’s also a ‘creative’ speller), but I wasn’t sure I was up for writing a guest post. In our social circle, I’m usually known as the introverted one, the inexperienced one. I’ve never had a successful “first date”.  My relationships tend to grow out of existing friendships. So what advice could I possibly give?

I’m here to talk to you about something I’ve gotten to know pretty intimately from a relationship perspective. Not so much from a dating perspective, but I know that it’s just as important when you’re dating. It may even be a deciding factor in choosing whether or not to continue dating a person. I’m referring, of course, to communication — the same ability that was so uniquely well-developed among the early humans that it enabled them to conquer the animal world. Unfortunately, today we don’t give our ability to communicate due credit. Sometimes we even neglect it, causing the building blocks of our social and romantic lives to fall apart.

My boyfriend and I got together several months ago after two years of close friendship. We waited so long because all the odds were, and still are, against us – we differ in everything from religion and cultural background to sexual experience and history. But we are the same where it matters – in our hearts and in our behavior toward each other, which reflects the kind of commitment, stability and security (not to mention good humor) our relationship requires to surmount the many obstacles blocking its path.

We know that if we’re going to build a relationship and keep it going despite the heavy external pressure and high stakes, neither of us can afford to up the ante and add internal pressure to the mix by playing games with each other. We have to be as transparent as possible whenever we communicate (which, ideally, should be often) — without false pretenses. Whenever I put on airs, hide things from him or tell “white lies,” my bf calls me out on it. I appreciate and admire him for that.

Despite the impulse to cut corners, it’s best to be true to yourself and honest to others in all your relationships — with friends, and even with acquaintances. This will make others see you as credible and trustworthy — and maybe even dateworthy.  Because when you’re dating or trying to build a relationship – not to mention keep one going – open, honest communication is key.

For me personally, dishonesty and evasive behavior have always been deal-breakers. There was a guy I loved a lot, but couldn’t bring myself to give my heart to him because, among other reasons, I could tell he wasn’t telling me the whole truth (about small things, such as why he was late to pick me up, and about big things, such as his feelings for his ex). He thought he was being tall, dark, handsome (he is all of the above) and mysterious — but to me, it seemed less like a mystery and more like a giant “don’t go there” sign hanging over his head.

This may seem obvious to some of you. I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to hear how important open communication is in theory – but what about in practice? Are you as honest and open with your date or partner as you should be? Or are you playing games?

That’s right, folks — the opposite of being open and honest in any social connection — be it friendship, family ties or a romantic relationship — is hiding things and playing games. Playing games isn’t sexy, spicy, fun or exciting in the long run – even if it’s Christian Grey who’s doing it. All it does is introduce confusion, discomfort and tension into a relationship. Not to mention jealousy, suspicion and all that rot.

Our “honesty is the best policy” policy doesn’t mean we can’t have fun, pretend or roleplay in the bedroom – we can and do. But there are other things in the bedroom (and out of it) we won’t lie to each other about — such as if we’re too tired to do anything, if something hurts or isn’t pleasurable, if we’re insecure about something sexual or about our bodies, if we’re too scared to try something, if we want to try something but don’t know how or if one of us has trouble reaching climax (for example, he’s made me swear I’ll always let him know what’s going on if I get the urge to fake it), and so on and so forth.

Each of us knows the other is there to support and help (or, if need be, laugh about it), and we don’t shy away from each other, even if we feel too scared, insecure or embarrassed to talk about whatever it is that’s on our mind. At the end of the day, making ourselves vulnerable and transparent to each other doesn’t make us weaker; it makes us stronger both as individuals and as a couple. It gives me strength to know that he accepts and supports me exactly as I am, without any embellishments, without any of the masks I usually put on in the outside world, in a professional or academic environment. And I know and love him just as he is, no illusions to be disenchanted when the Oxytocin dissipates.

At the outset of our relationship, we discussed at length our exes and past experiences. He said one thing that bothered him about his exes was that they always expected him to automatically know what they were thinking and feeling, to always be aware of their wants and needs. If he couldn’t guess, confusion would ensue: he would feel inadequate, and they would feel he wasn’t being attentive enough, wasn’t a proper “knight in shining armor” — because he couldn’t preempt their every need. They hoped he would change and become what they needed, he hoped they would accept him as he is. Eventually — inevitably — they broke up.

At the root of this dissonance lay an acute lack of communication. You can’t expect your man to know what you want and need without telling him anything and just expecting him to guess. And you definitely can’t put him down, think any less of him or wish he would change when he doesn’t, because he’s hardly Mel Gibson in What Women Want – odds are he’s just as shy and insecure as you are. What he needs from you is communication and validation, not enigmatic behavior and mind games. He’s no mind-reader and you’re no fairy-tale princess — you’ll just have to tell him what you want and how you feel. Because if you don’t, he might misunderstand or never know — and disappoint you for no reason at all other than fucked-up communication stemming from misguided expectations and a failure to accept one’s partner as (s)he is.

I’ve known some people who loved their partners a lot, but didn’t respect them enough to be open and honest with them. In the long run, this state of affairs culminated in a traumatic break-up. But how did it come to pass in the first place?

They say that love is blind. It really is. But if a stable, lasting relationship is what you’re after, you can’t afford to overlook the truly important things – and not just if the stakes are high, as they are in my current relationship. And definitely not just when the shit hits the fan.

Anger, frustration, embarrassment and other not-so-positive emotions can accumulate and cause tension between you and your partner if you don’t let them out through the proper channels – and by that, I mean without shouting, screaming, crying or being hysterical in general (and taking it out on your partner, at that). As the admin of this blog wrote in her previous post, you have to be attentive toward your partner and make sure there’s nothing wrong on their end — otherwise there’s quite a lot you’re going to miss.

But there is something you can do on your end, too. Some of the people I know aren’t that open with their partner, but really they mean well – they love their partner and think they’re being honest with them. What they don’t realize is that they’re not being honest with themselves first and foremost. There’s something they won’t admit to themselves or have convinced themselves is not true or of no consequence. But usually others – sometimes even their partner – can tell that something (that you don’t really see yourself with that person in the long term, that the sex isn’t really all that, that you’re repulsed by their porn habit even though Cosmopolitan says you should embrace it, that something about them just bothers you) is wrong and has been left unsaid. That is also the case with things you can admit to yourself, but not to your partner – sooner or later (most likely later, because they’re probably in denial too), they’ll figure out that you don’t really love them or that you’re actually allergic to their beloved cat Fluffy. And it’ll hurt so much more when they do.

So just be honest about things – with your partner, yes, but first and foremost with yourself. You’ll probably thank yourself later.

Rule #37- The Shift

via bugflickr

We’ve all gotten that awkward phone call from a close friend (that usually comes at an inconvenient hour of the night) telling you, in rather panicky voice, that they just got dumped. 

This is generally followed by a stammering rant about how ‘out of the blue’ the whole thing was, and how “things were going SO great before”…

Now, if there is one important lesson I have learned in life, it is that things are never just “out of the blue”.

We are all human, and as such, we are predictable. I don’t mean this in a mundane, condescending sort of way, but rather that most of our actions follow some sort of pattern. We are indeed creatures of habit, and even those people we classify as ‘unpredictable’ are predictably unpredictable.

So now that I’ve given a long convoluted introduction, let me explain.

Most people won’t just get up in the morning and decide to break off a relationship. There are signs, hints, changes in behavior; all of which, unfortunately, we tend to purposefully ignore — either that, or we are not paying enough attention to the other person.

I don’t for a second underestimate how strong denial/faith can be. I’m just saying that we can, and need, to train ourselves to be more perceptive of what’s going on in our relationships.

Rules for Paying Attention:

1. There are always signs.

I really wanted to emphasize that, because when you know someone well enough, you should be able to tell when somethings is wrong or has changed.

Their tone of voice, the amount of times they call or text you, how much sex you’re having. Some of these changes occur naturally with time, some are caused by stress or other factors.

You don’t need to over-analyze every tiny, little, minute shift in the relationship, but most of us don’t pay enough attention to these things — or to each other.

2. Be more attentive (also, to the little things). 

Changes in someone’s behavior might not mean they are about to dump you but they may very well indicate that something else is wrong (with work/family/their pet), and they probably need support, someone to talk to, or just the understanding that they are going through a rough time.

Just like we make time for work, the gym and our friends/family, It’s important to make time for just the two of you to talk, catch up, and stay in touch with what’s going on in each other’s lives.

Otherwise, you are likely to miss things. 

3. If you do think something is wrong, don’t sit around and wait for the other person to bring it up(or worse yet, ignore it).

It may be terrifying, but you need to bring it up. This is not a conversation you want to have hanging over your head. If your partner is unhappy, it’s better to ask, than spend the whole time worried sick that they are about to dump you.

Rule #36- Sex Ed (For Adults)

When I was fourteen, a guidance counselor showed up at our school. She sat us all down in a semicircle and talked about birth control; the different kinds of  protection, STDs, HIV and how to use a condom.

This was followed by a short demonstration involving a volunteer, a packet of rubbers, and a banana.

After that, we all gathered round to take our tern trying out the technique.

Our sexual education at school consisted of safe sex and STD prevention. While these are both majorly important things, I still felt it was greatly lacking.

What about how to orgasm? Same-sex safe sex, toys, lube, positions?! What about all those other things you need to know about sex?!

There were just so many things that just didn’t occur to me that I didn’t know/learn before I discovered the internet. 

We don’t hesitate to spend hours researching what computer to buy, the best flight deals, or what smartphone to get, but somehow, educating ourselves about sex still isn’t  a given.

Sex Ed, This Time For Our Adult Selves:

1. Go on-line and enlighten yourself! There is so much out there to learn. Even if you are perfectly happy with your sex life, it is always worth discovering new things.

By this, I don’t mean watch porn and take notes (you can do that for fun afterwards). Read articles, check out sex toy reviews, learn about what lubricant/condoms are healthier to use.

2. Share the interesting things that you find with your partner/friends (I personally love when people email me sex related articles at work; I can read them while procrastinating, and pretend they’re research for my blog).

Exploring these things together really is a good deal of fun.

3. If there is something you always fantasized about, check it out. You may discover that that thing you always wanted to try, but were too embarrassed, is really something that everybody does!

The amazing thing about the on-line community is that if you’re into something a little different, you will almost always find someone else out there who is too.

4. While those ladies’ magazines we read at the dentist’s may be good for ’1001 must-try sex positions for an airplane bathroom’, they don’t always address the more embarrassing aspects of sex. Things like birth-control side effects, infection avoidance techniques, sanitation issues and how to deal with having trouble finishing during intercourse (a more common state of affairs than mass media outlets would have us believe).

All those things that happen during sex that are mortifying, and we think they have only happened to us! (like dare I say it? Queefing).

In an age where sexual education is still so selective, it really does come down to our own curiosity.

Until the education system faces the fact that sex ed runs a lot deeper than just ‘here kids, if you’re not going to listen to us and abstain, at least use this condom’. Because we grow up not knowing so many important things. Imagine all those awkward moments, frustrating sexscapades, all those UTI’s you could have prevented if you had known better. Sex, like everything else, has its learning curve; when we were younger, it was through trial and error, and now, through experimentation and education.

But at the end of the day, there is so much important information out there we should know about sex (beyond STD prevention), and it’s about time we started to refresh our own ‘sexual database’ .