Rule #37- The Shift

via bugflickr

We’ve all gotten that awkward phone call from a close friend (that usually comes at an inconvenient hour of the night) telling you, in rather panicky voice, that they just got dumped. 

This is generally followed by a stammering rant about how ‘out of the blue’ the whole thing was, and how “things were going SO great before”…

Now, if there is one important lesson I have learned in life, it is that things are never just “out of the blue”.

We are all human, and as such, we are predictable. I don’t mean this in a mundane, condescending sort of way, but rather that most of our actions follow some sort of pattern. We are indeed creatures of habit, and even those people we classify as ‘unpredictable’ are predictably unpredictable.

So now that I’ve given a long convoluted introduction, let me explain.

Most people won’t just get up in the morning and decide to break off a relationship. There are signs, hints, changes in behavior; all of which, unfortunately, we tend to purposefully ignore — either that, or we are not paying enough attention to the other person.

I don’t for a second underestimate how strong denial/faith can be. I’m just saying that we can, and need, to train ourselves to be more perceptive of what’s going on in our relationships.

Rules for Paying Attention:

1. There are always signs.

I really wanted to emphasize that, because when you know someone well enough, you should be able to tell when somethings is wrong or has changed.

Their tone of voice, the amount of times they call or text you, how much sex you’re having. Some of these changes occur naturally with time, some are caused by stress or other factors.

You don’t need to over-analyze every tiny, little, minute shift in the relationship, but most of us don’t pay enough attention to these things — or to each other.

2. Be more attentive (also, to the little things). 

Changes in someone’s behavior might not mean they are about to dump you but they may very well indicate that something else is wrong (with work/family/their pet), and they probably need support, someone to talk to, or just the understanding that they are going through a rough time.

Just like we make time for work, the gym and our friends/family, It’s important to make time for just the two of you to talk, catch up, and stay in touch with what’s going on in each other’s lives.

Otherwise, you are likely to miss things. 

3. If you do think something is wrong, don’t sit around and wait for the other person to bring it up(or worse yet, ignore it).

It may be terrifying, but you need to bring it up. This is not a conversation you want to have hanging over your head. If your partner is unhappy, it’s better to ask, than spend the whole time worried sick that they are about to dump you.

Rule #24- T.M.I, Thank You Very Much!

We all have, what a wise woman (and her screen play writer) once referred to as: our S.S.B-Secret Single Behaviour; things we would only dare do behind a locked door, alone. (gosh, how would I ever write if I couldn’t quote Sex and the City?!).

Naturally, in a relationship, we either have to give up on some of our little vices, or learn  how to hide them better.

As close as we are to the other person, there are some things we just don’t want them to know! 

Personally, I like to sit around in bed in my undies, binge eat crisps, and watch old episodes of coupling. Not that my behaviour is particularly outrageous/disgusting (albeit, some people might argue that there is nothing worse than crumbs in bed), it’s just something I only like doing solo.

So, at what point  is it ok to start letting our guard down, and what things are just never a good idea to share? 

Rule for NOT Over Sharing: 

1. Everyone has their little gross habits, things that are only considered horrid if done in front of someone else. What I’m saying is, that some things don’t need to be shared; it’s perfectly fine that your boyfriend doesn’t know everything about you. This in no way means that you don’t have a healthy, open partnership; it just means that you have boundaries.

Boundaries are important! They allow us to maintain our own personal space within the relationship.

 2. Different people have different lines they will/won’t cross before their silver wedding anniversary. He may find it perfectly normal to wax his chest in front of you; if this is something you don’t wanna see, ask him nicely not to do it when you’re around ( and don’t make him feel like a leper for it!).

3. The walls will come down slowly, that’s just the way it works; there is no need to rush, or force the inevitable.

Whether it’s leaving the toilet door open when you pee, or telling your boyfriend about that time you got really bad food poisoning in Bolivia, you should be in a place where sharing these things feels comfortable (for the both of you).

Rule #19- The Subtext Of A Text

via JohnnyMrNinja

Text messages can be very annoying; they are ambiguous, convoluted, and you can never be certain of what the other person really meant.  They don’t convey anger, insult or a joking manner.

I personally dislike messaging for fear of deadly misunderstandings and other mishaps. That aside, I would like to address one particular phenomenon; the modern mating cry, otherwise know as, ‘the booty call’ (or text).

Last week I had just nestled into bed, it was after midnight, and my cell beeped; “awake?” The male in question is a happily attached guy friend of mine; who honestly just wanted to chat. I don’t blame his ’innocence’ on the subject; text messaging is the wild west of inter-human communication, the grey area of relationships.

Whether you are dating, undefined, or just “getting coffee” at three am, you may be a victim of unintentional sexting. 

Rules for Clear Cellular Communication:

1. Unless your looking to sleep with the other person (which is also fine), don’t text them after midnight.

(There are extenuating circumstances to this, like: you are walking home and it’s pitch black outside and you think someone is following you).

2. Add smilies/winks/sad faces when you’re messaging. It may seem silly, but it helps convey emotions better and can save you a lot of grief.

3. If you are not interested, be clear about it! Fight the temptation to flirt back or string him along (just because it’s Friday night and you are bored). 

4. If, like me, you too have a confused male friend who texts you at all hours of the night (and subsequently pisses off your boyfriend); break it to him gently that it is inappropriate. 

(This also means you have to abide by your own rules). 

5. If you are having casual sex, make sure that you are both clear about the nature of the relationship.

The more open you are about this with each other, the less of a chance you have of getting hurt.

The ‘Worst Date EVER’ Competition

In honour of All Hallow’s Eve, it’s time to break out some horror stories. Honestly, there is NOTHING more frightening and horrifying than a bad date.

How does the competition work?

You tell us (in colourful detail) about the worst date you have ever been on. I mean come on, we’ve all been on at least one horrific date in our life. The kind of date that wants to make you permanently give up on the opposite sex and join a nunnery/monastery. 

What do you win?

A lot of sympathy from our dedicated readers (which, let’s face it, is a lot better than a real prize).

So get writing and post your tales of horror and woe in the comment box at the bottom!

 What traumatic tales do you have to share with us?!