Rule #44- Syncing Up

First of all I would like to apologize for my somewhat long absence. I decided to take an impromptu holiday in Switzerland, Germany & France. I know, it’s a rough life I lead.

In between giant pretzels covered in cheese, cheap beer, and hot chocolate, my mind started wandering back to the lovely man I had left at home. We still aren’t at that stage of taking whirlwind holidays in Europe together.

But I still had to make sure to set aside some time to send him reassuring emails that I hadn’t allowed the temptation of French pastries to go to my head and cause me to forget about him.

The trip was amazing, but I don’t get much time off, and I used up all of it getting slightly buzzed on cheese. Which was a bit of a shame, because it meant that we didn’t get to spend almost any of it together when I got back.

I rationalized that although this was a shame, it wasn’t really my fault because I had bought the ticket before we had started dating.

That said, we are now at that stage where we have to start taking into account the other’s schedule when planning our week, which can get a little sticky, because we are both horrifically busy ALL the time.

So, here are some (hopefully) useful tips in schedule syncing:

1. Set aside some time over the weekend and discuss your upcoming week! 

Naturally, there are always things that will change midweek, but taking the time to go over your schedules is a good way to show you care about what’s going on in each other’s lives.

It also has the added benefit of insuring that you find the time to see each other over the week.

2. Which leads me to; make sure to MAKE TIME to see each other. 

If per chance you are dating someone who refuses to do this. Who only wants to ‘play things by ear’ (even if it means not seeing you at all “because things didn’t work out”), it’s about time you decide if this is someone who really has room in their life for you (or more importantly, if you have room in your life for someone who is selfish with their time). 

3. Even if you have a crazy busy insane week try and find a way to stay involved.

Even if you don’t have the time to go out, show up for a sleep over. Sometimes having a nice cuddle before falling asleep helps alleviate a little of the day’s stress. Also, try and ad some conversation into your night-time routine.

Whether it’s just to stay updated because you are genuinely interested in this other human being you are dating. Or whether it’s because knowing there is someone to listen to what a horrible day you had is why you even bother with dating in the first place.

4. Never EVER make big plans (like weekends away, holiday plans and so on) without talking about them. Not cool. 

Also, if possible, try phrasing things this way: “hey darl’n, so the guys all really want to go away on a spa retreat this weekend, I’m thinking of joining them.” As apposed to just announcing that you’re going.

You aren’t asking for permission, you are showing that you are taking their plans into consideration as well as yours (and not only because you need a ride to the airport).

5. If you have to cancel plans last minute (this really boils my blood when people do it), first of all, don’t. 

But if you really have to: A. make sure that you have a good reason. B. Make sure this isn’t something you do often (or expect a relationship termination letter heading your way). C. apologize profusely for it! 

When you cancel remember that you are also screwing up someone else’s plans! There are two of you in this relationship.

I’m the last person that will tell you that being in a relationship means you have to do EVERYTHING together. In fact, I’m quite for having your own lives and interests. But you should take the time to be interested in the person you’re dating. That means talking to them before booking a long weekend away with the girls. And making a conscious effort to set aside time during the week to see them.

Rule #42- The Complexity of a Definition

Relationships used to be really easy to define (like two hundred years ago), you were either married or having sex out of wedlock. The number of relationship grey areas were rather minimal.

Today, we are spoiled for choice about pretty much everything. It’s the age of possibility, and with that we have many more decisions to make. The flip-side of this, being that we have more freedom to make the wrong choices as well. So to counter the possibility of god forbid making a mistake, we like to ‘keep our options open.’

This leads to even more hours, month, and even years of deliberations, mulling things over, being confused, deciding, then changing our minds, and still not being sure that we found the right person to spend the rest of our lives with.

Relationships just aren’t black and white anymore, they can be monogamous  polygamous, open, or closed. We have fun buddies, snuggle buddies, and every once in a while when we’ve had too many drinks buddies. Not to mention those friends we call just for sex, or the ones we call but don’t want to have sex with.

The possibilities are endless!

Which in some ways is wonderful, but sometimes it can be rather exhausting,  and we can never quite be certain when we should push for “defining the relationship!?”

1. For starters, never be too pushy! You might feel that you can marry this person, but that doesn’t mean they feel the same way (they may not be ‘there’ yet). Give them the space and time to catch up. Just because it takes them a little longer to feel the way you do, doesn’t make their investment in the relationship any less valid. 

If you get all passive aggressive about it, and keep bringing it up at every opportunity (thus freaking them out), you are more likely to get a ‘I’m not ready for this kind of commitment’ talk, rather than the assurance you really needed.

I once dated someone who kept calling me his girlfriend after we had been going out for like a week. Needless to say we didn’t make it past the second.

That said, if you’ve been dating for months, and you don’t feel you’re on the same page, it might be time to talk about whether or not you both want the same things.

2. I’m just gonna go ahead and say this (if you have been following my blog for long enough, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed from the repetition). Just talk about it! It doesn’t have to be a big deal, you don’t have to make a whole thing of it. Just casually bring it up, slip it into the conversation; tell him/her about ‘your mutual friend Clara from work’ who keeps asking if you two are dating, and you’re now sure how to answer.

Anyway you choose to go about it, just ask! An uncomfortable conversation is way better than hours/days of obsessing about it in your head.

But, do yourself a huge favor, have this conversation with a pinch of common sense (okey, maybe more like a handful of it). If you’ve gone on two dates you’re probably not a couple quite yet. Don’t push him/her into a corner and stress them out about defining things too quickly, because you may just end up loosing them altogether. 

Rule #41- The ‘I’m Not Sure If This Is A Date’ Date

Let me set the scene for you (because we’ve all been in it, at the very least once or twice in our adult lives).

You’ve arranged to ‘hang out’ with someone; It’s most likely evening, there is alcohol on the table, and the sexual tension is buzzing around almost tangibly (at least you think it is… isn’t it?!). You really like them, but because of the nature of the encounter, you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual.

I think this has only happened to me twice, and both times it was confusing and rather agitating. Especially, when it comes to working out if someone is into us ‘that way’ or not.

So what can you do about it?

1. Most of these errors happen because we aren’t sure if the other person is interested in us (sometimes I wish humans could read each other’s minds, and then I remember what a god awful idea that would be). Therefore, we need to investigate things a little further.

Not that I’m against treading lightly. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that’s what a FIRST DATE is for. When you define the activity as a date, the boundaries are clear, you both know where things stand. You’ve both agreed to get a drink and see if there is ‘something there’. 

Just don’t let yourself end up in ambiguous situations! If someone says “let’s hang out next Friday!”,  Just go out on a limb and ask “like on a date?!” .

Things might not work out romantically, but at least you are both on the same page. 

2. Fear not, if you do find yourself in this unfortunate situation, there are a few ways to get out of it.

For starters, you can always be blunt and ask them (the worst that can happen is that you will end up realizing it was an awkward misunderstanding, that you can either laugh off, or end the evening prematurely with the most uncomfortable hug ever). Or you can go for plan B (this is what I usually do): show you are interested! I’ve fondly named plan B. “flirt your bum off.”

3. They may not be into you at all. People flirt for so many different reasons; to make themselves feel good, they genuinely think they are just being nice (and really didn’t mean to flirt at all), they want something from you (not necessarily sexually); the possibilities are endless! 

My rule is, if I’m not sure, I either reciprocate to show I’m interested and, see where it goes - or let it go and move on.

4. If you aren’t interested in the other person, and you think you may be on a date, make it CLEAR that it isn’t a date. You don’t have to phrase it that way, you can tactfully slip it into the conversation, but make sure that they know you’re not interested. 

(Try and do this ahead of time on the phone. Make it clear up front that it’s a hang out as ‘just friends’, and try not to wind up in the most ‘couply’ spot in town).

The best relationships often grow out of friendships. Just don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the ‘does he/she like me?’ limbo! Because it’s frustrating as all hell.

Rule #28- Cracking ‘The Code’

In Jane Austen’s novels we have alluring glances from across the room and suggestive smiles. These days we have coded texts and muddling emails. Modern dating lingo is chock full of innuendo, vagueness, and  ways of saying things that mean other things. In short, things have gotten pretty damn confusing. 

In theory, to avoid awkward conversations, it’s great to have these codes. ‘Awake?’ instead of ‘Fancy a shag? ‘It’s not YOU it’s ME’, instead of: ‘It’s not me, it’s YOU’. And so on…

The only problem is, that no one has ever printed out a manual and handed it out on street corners. How awesome would that be?! 

If we ALL had the same phrasebook, we could be as illusive as we liked, with no consequence. But alas, there is no such magical pamphlet in circulation.

 I absolutely despise not knowing where things stand. I think we ALL do. 

There is nothing more annoying than being messed around with.

So, let’s wade through this mucky subject together and try to make sense of things.

Rules for Cracking The Code:

1.  There are certain things that EVERYONE takes to mean sex.  If, and only IF, you can be certain that the other person is going to understand, use a euphemism. Otherwise, avoid confusing each other; it really is counterproductive.

2. If you feel uncomfortable using certain words, or saying things that are either downright or borderline dirty; sit down the two of you and decide on your own code (that you both understand).

(Yes, I do realize that this can be kind of silly. But, it can also be fun and bonding, so give it a go).

3. Codes are fun, games are fun; but at some point they will just wind up causing trouble. Instead of spending hours playing guessing games with yourself (and your girlfriends), just ask him what he meant. Boy, do I know how hard that is (for months I thought ‘LOL’ meant lots of love. Needless to say, that lead to a few exceedingly uncomfortable moments, and ‘LOL’ isn’t even cryptic).

Most cryptic language we use is for: asking someone out, dumping, sex, or any other slightly uncomfortable topic. It helps minimizing rejection on the one hand, but on the other it’s a pain in the tush. So please, please, think twice about the words you use, and don’t be afraid to tell other people to be more clear with you! Coyness is only beneficial to a point.

Rule #27- The Flirting Loop

via russavia

It’s past midnight, and you have been texting for over and hour. You are at work and laughing hysterically at an email you just received, even though it wasn’t really that funny (much to your co-workers’ chagrin). You’ve braved dinner,  ’just as friends’, but really just wanted to skip dessert and rip each other’s clothes off.

If all of this sounds familiar to you, you, too are a victim of the Flirting Loop!

The Flirting Loop; that dreaded situation you end up in where  you both like each other, but can’t quite get past the flirting stage. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not easy to get out of, but it is possible (with a little determination and some charm).

You may have already tried every flirting trick in the book, to no avail, and it may be a case of shyness. Either way, it is time to brake that vicious circle!  

Rules for Moving Forward:

1. You will never be able to bring the whole situation to closure unless you can make up your mind about whether you like this person or not. I think that a lot of these ‘hot and cold’ games are a direct result of the fact that you are just not sure if you like each other ‘that way’. 

Sending (and feeling) mixed signals is what landed you in this mess in the first place. So, the first step out of it is deciding what you want.

2. Flirt responsibly! Flirting has a purpose , it’s a tool to let someone know you like them (and to get free shots when you’re sitting at the bar, but let’s leave that aside). If you flirt with everyone all the time you will confuse the people you are actually trying to impress. 

3. The easiest way out, is to just directly ask the other person if they are interested. But because we are not all that blunt/brave/not afraid of rejection, the chances we will just put ourselves out there like that are slim.

So, instead, we are left with the more tricky option of being conniving about the whole thing. This option is not fail proof, and leads to a lot of misunderstandings and frustration. Therefore, one of you should just take a shot of liquid courage and make the first move.

By make the first move, I don’t necessarily mean you have to lean in and kiss the other person (and by NO means ask them if you can kiss them; huge mood killer).  Just make it very obvious that you are available and interested IN THEM!

This is the tricky part… But I have come up with some creative solutions:

# Find a way to spend more time alone together (so you can get to know each other. Maybe this will help you finally realise if you are interested or not).

# Don’t send mixed signals! I said this before, and I don’t know how much I can stress how important this point is.

# Find a mutual friend who knows if he is dating anyone and snoop around a little (just to make sure he is single).

(You don’t need to go into full on stalker mode, just do a little recon).

And you know what, ladies? If all else fails, just turn up the charm. Tap into your irresistibly funny/sexy/confident side! But every once in a while we should take matters into our own hands and confront the situation. After all, aren’t five minutes of rejection better than four months of endless pining?

The ‘Worst Date EVER’ Competition

In honour of All Hallow’s Eve, it’s time to break out some horror stories. Honestly, there is NOTHING more frightening and horrifying than a bad date.

How does the competition work?

You tell us (in colourful detail) about the worst date you have ever been on. I mean come on, we’ve all been on at least one horrific date in our life. The kind of date that wants to make you permanently give up on the opposite sex and join a nunnery/monastery. 

What do you win?

A lot of sympathy from our dedicated readers (which, let’s face it, is a lot better than a real prize).

So get writing and post your tales of horror and woe in the comment box at the bottom!

 What traumatic tales do you have to share with us?!

Rule #10- Crossed Wires

We all do it! Say one thing but mean another; send someone mixed signals. Half the time we don’t even realize what we are up to; but nonetheless, we are sending off confusing messages to the other person.

One minute you are REALLY into him

And the next, you’re not so sure…

You can’t make up your mind, so instead, you confuse the hell out of the poor bugger…

Not being sure is part of dating, but there is a big difference between not being sure and driving the other person to the brink of insanity.

So, here are some helpful tips to help with your crossed wires problem.

Rules Of Being Clear:

1. Either keep it to yourself or break up with him! If you are not certain that he is what you are looking for, take a few days to mull it over or end it! Leaving him hanging is unfair to him, and in the long run will damage your relationship (uncertainty gnaws away at the two of you like flesh-eating bacteria).

2. Speak your mind about the things that bother you, but phrase it in a way that’s productive; meaning:

Don’t start the conversation off with: I’m not sure about you… Or, I’m having doubts about us…

Talk about the real problems you’re having and try to work through them.

3. Men can’t read our minds (shocking, I know, but turns out they really can’t) and they don’t always know what’s going on up there; so your mixed signals just come across as you playing games with them.

Men do NOT find the following things fun: Mind games, guessing games and hot and cold games.

(However, if your secret pleasure in life is playing games, try strip poker; it has a much more fun payoff in the end)

Rule #6- Deal Breakers and Other Animals

What can you do, we all have our little pet peeves, those little things that drive us up the wall. We all make mental check lists, and when we go out with a new guy, spend the majority of the date going over them in our head.

From the dawn of time until now, there have always been those little things known as “Deal Breakers”. Whether it was your social standing, your father not owning enough sheep, or just plain bad breath; they are all personal, mostly legitimate, things that put us off dating someone.

They can be big things, such as bad habits, like long toenails (a personal no-no of mine) or small things, like he may be wanted in ten different countries… Either way, in your eyes, he is undatable.

But sometimes it’s hard to tell if we are being logical, aware and smart people, with high standards, or just plain too picky.

So, how can one tell?

I’m sorry to say, but there are no clear-cut answers. We must find the balance between our personal neurosis, and the truth. But at any rate, here are some pointers to start off with…

Rules of Deal Breaking: 

1. Be HONEST with yourself! Are you into him? If you are not, nothing else matters!

2. The little things you can’t overlook now, are just going to get MORE annoying as time goes by. (If his atrocious singing in the bathtub bugs you now, in two years it may cause you to want to beat him to death with the showerhead).

3. Make a list of things you can live with, and things that just drive you MAD and you won’t put up with (also, don’t afraid to be FLEXIBLE if need be; as in, don’t dump prince charming because he can’t remember to put the toilet seat down).

4. Go with your gut feeling, if you see a ‘red flag’  it can be trying to tell you something (i.e. if you feel that way about ALL the men you date, you are either picking the wrong ones, or you are just plain picky).

5. Get a close friend, who you trust, to weigh in on the situation, maybe she/he can help. (But always take what they have to say with a grain of salt, after all, you are the one who has to live with the decision).

Don’t be too hard on yourself, if you really can’t live with something, you shouldn’t have to!

6. And finally… Be Kind; don’t tell the guy you are ending it because “his foot fungus keeps you awake at night”.