Porn & Erotica

On Being Sex-Positive

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One of the great things happening at the moment, thanks to the internet, and awesome people, is the idea of “being sex positive”. This doesn’t mean that you like sex, because come one, everyone likes to have sex. But rather, the idea that talking about sex, in an open and educational manner is something we should all be doing more of. So, I decided to put together a bunch of great people who educate, discuss, and encourage a healthier attitude towards “sex dialogue”.

Sexual education needs to understand that it isn’t enough to just educate people about STD’s but also about how to have sex, and more importantly how to have good sex. But given the vastness that is the internet, and porn being a rather lacking authority on the subject, I put together a bunch of people and sources that are doing a great job at being sex educators, while doing so in a positive and fun manner.

I know I talk a whole lot about sex ed, and I did a post ages ago about why sex-ed and learning more is so important,  but sometimes it really is hard to sift through the bad advice, and find the good stuff. So I tried to put together a list of it!

 

My first recommendation is Laci Green (her youtube channel)

You can find her more practical advice channel here

The next thing I’m going to have you check out is Sex Nerd Sandra, on the Nerdist.com



This amazing podcast is also REALLY funny and REALLY informative. It embodies pretty much every aspect of sex you can think of: technique, safe-sex, tips, fetishes, S&M, relationship advice, open communication, toys and much more. Not to mention the cast are hilarious to listen to.

She also has a youtube channel, you should definitely look into as well.

And a blog: http://sexnerdsandra.com/

This particular episode features Christopher Ryan, Author of Sex at Dawn and is really worth taking an hour to listen to.

 

Here are some great sites and blogs that are out there:

Em & Lo- They just give great advice.

NSFW Sunday- A weekly collection of random sex related information.

Jamie Waxman- Beyond The Bedroom- She is just awesome, check her out.

Jaiya

Sexis Social- Sex, sex toys and other bedroom conundrums.

Sex Rules with Maria Falzone

 

Literature:

She Comes First,  Sex at DawnMating in Captivity, Big Big Love, & Penis Power: The Ultimate Guide to Male Sexual Health.

(more…)

Rule #45- Meeting The Apartment

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There comes a time in every relationship when you meet your significant other’s significant other- their flat.

Now don’t get me wrong, this requires very little to no effort on your part (well, maybe stash a toothbrush in your purse/coat pocket just to be on the safe side).

For such occasions I have a little prayer. I prey that his apartment doesn’t look like a crack den, that my date had the common decency to tidy up the place, and hide his porn. That there is a role of toilet paper in the bathroom (you know what some men are like when they’ve been living alone for too long). I hope that there are clean sheets on the bed (and for that matter, that he has a bed, and not some mattress on the floor).

Honestly, the list goes on, but the bottom line is this. I judge. We all judge, and it is really hard to get a second chance at a first impression.

Just like we expect one another to make a little effort to clean up for a first date, we expect the person we are seeing to make their flat presentable when we see it for the first time.

But it goes both ways.

Don’t be THE PERSON who’s place looks like it’s come alive out of an episode of hoarders.

Rules for Apartment-Scaping:

1. First of all, read this brilliant blog-post, it will teach you how to make your home date-friendly within ten minutes.

2. Follow rule #1 and clean up! You don’t have to light scented candles and strategically place quantum mechanics & philosophy books to impress your date.

But you SHOULD make sure the place is clean and tidy.

This will make a good first impression.

3. We all have jobs/studies/time consuming hobbies/friends/pets, and other responsibilities.

No one expects you to keep your place spotless and immaculate at all times, you don’t live in an Ikea catalog! But basic hygiene isn’t too much to ask for (lets face it, no one is going to want to have sex with you for the first time if your bed-sheets are covered in suspicious stains…)

You know, deal with the mold in the shower, change the sheets, wash your towels, & for heavens sake, clean the toilet and kitchen!

4. The real problem with having too much stuff, and having it all over the place, is that it makes someone new feel like there is no room for them.

Remember all those photos with your ex in Bali? The ones you’ve been meaning to take down for months? Maybe this is a great opportunity to do it.

Just like we try and unclutter ourselves emotionally before a new relationship, uncluttering our house is equally as important!

Make room for your someone new.

Rule #39- Good Vibes

via c. kennedy garrett

via c. kennedy garrett

Well, we haven’t spoken about sex for three posts, so naturally I had to revert back to the topic (what can a girl do?).

So today we are going to be talking about sex toys. I know we’ve touched on the subject a couple of times, but I felt it was a discussion worth dedicating a post to…

Because sex toys are awesome!

While vibrating butt-plugs aren’t for everyone, sex toys are slowly becoming more and more commonplace, but our consumer knowledge of them might not be keeping up. 

On the one hand they still have a little taboo attached to them, but on the other hand, many people are buying them without the proper research. Moreover, the shops themselves really are no help because they don’t always list those important need to know facts on their products.

Be it if you’re shopping for yourself, to use with others, or as a gift for a friend, it’s about time we all become better buyers.

1. Research! I would suggest online shopping, mostly because websites tend to list what the toy is made of, its pros and cons, how to clean it, and other important stuff like if you need to use a condom with it, does it work on batteries, or do you plug it in, and of course, how to use it (A good sex-shop will list these things on the packaging).

Is it hypo-allergenic/latex free/non-porous/phthalate free/medical grade silicone?!

Don’t buy anything that doesn’t list these things!

2. Read product reviews, they are always a helpful tool. 

3. If you have more than one sexual partner, make sure you are using your toys with protection/cleaning them properly.

(You should probably clean and store them properly even if you are the only one using them…).

Also, to be fair, your significant other might not be too pleased that you used the item in question with someone else; sometimes it’s just a better idea to get some new equipment. 

4. It’s advisable to steer clear of items marked novelty  (unless you’re on the prowl for phallic bookends).

5. I try to live my life according to the motto: “if you don’t know where it’s been, don’t let it near your private parts…”

Only buy stuff from approved companies/licensed shops, in its original packaging. 

Rule #36- Sex Ed (For Adults)

When I was fourteen, a guidance counselor showed up at our school. She sat us all down in a semicircle and talked about birth control; the different kinds of  protection, STDs, HIV and how to use a condom.

This was followed by a short demonstration involving a volunteer, a packet of rubbers, and a banana.

After that, we all gathered round to take our tern trying out the technique.

Our sexual education at school consisted of safe sex and STD prevention. While these are both majorly important things, I still felt it was greatly lacking.

What about how to orgasm? Same-sex safe sex, toys, lube, positions?! What about all those other things you need to know about sex?!

There were just so many things that just didn’t occur to me that I didn’t know/learn before I discovered the internet. 

We don’t hesitate to spend hours researching what computer to buy, the best flight deals, or what smartphone to get, but somehow, educating ourselves about sex still isn’t  a given.

Sex Ed, This Time For Our Adult Selves:

1. Go on-line and enlighten yourself! There is so much out there to learn. Even if you are perfectly happy with your sex life, it is always worth discovering new things.

By this, I don’t mean watch porn and take notes (you can do that for fun afterwards). Read articles, check out sex toy reviews, learn about what lubricant/condoms are healthier to use.

2. Share the interesting things that you find with your partner/friends (I personally love when people email me sex related articles at work; I can read them while procrastinating, and pretend they’re research for my blog).

Exploring these things together really is a good deal of fun.

3. If there is something you always fantasized about, check it out. You may discover that that thing you always wanted to try, but were too embarrassed, is really something that everybody does!

The amazing thing about the on-line community is that if you’re into something a little different, you will almost always find someone else out there who is too.

4. While those ladies’ magazines we read at the dentist’s may be good for ’1001 must-try sex positions for an airplane bathroom’, they don’t always address the more embarrassing aspects of sex. Things like birth-control side effects, infection avoidance techniques, sanitation issues and how to deal with having trouble finishing during intercourse (a more common state of affairs than mass media outlets would have us believe).

All those things that happen during sex that are mortifying, and we think they have only happened to us! (like dare I say it? Queefing).

In an age where sexual education is still so selective, it really does come down to our own curiosity.

Until the education system faces the fact that sex ed runs a lot deeper than just ‘here kids, if you’re not going to listen to us and abstain, at least use this condom’. Because we grow up not knowing so many important things. Imagine all those awkward moments, frustrating sexscapades, all those UTI’s you could have prevented if you had known better. Sex, like everything else, has its learning curve; when we were younger, it was through trial and error, and now, through experimentation and education.

But at the end of the day, there is so much important information out there we should know about sex (beyond STD prevention), and it’s about time we started to refresh our own ‘sexual database’ .

Rule #35- Sexual Premises

via Lies Thru a Lens, Lost in Thought

I’m really going to try hard and keep a balanced point of view throughout what I am about to discuss; but I am a woman, and therefore a little bias.

I used to think about sex in a very liberal open minded sort of way. Otherwise known as “who cares if you finish as long as you had fun and intimately connected with your significant other”.

I feel like most women (or at least many women) see sex this way. It’s more of a bonding exercise (no pun intended), and not necessarily meant for their own satisfaction. 

Meaning, that sex is fun, finishing during sex is even more fun, but it isn’t a ‘must’ every time. 

And we accept this.

Why is this a BAD premise when approaching sex?

1. Unless you are trying to get pregnant, you are probably having sex for your own/mutual pleasure. Sex has a point, it’s called an orgasm! (It’s that fun toe-curling part at the end, or halfway through, and then again if you’re lucky).

Now, you may not feel like you’ve been selling yourself short when you don’t have one, but you are! Orgasms are wonderful things! 

And allowing yourself to miss out on a surge of chemicals that do wonders for your well being is you, missing out! 

2. Every time you have one of these you tend to want more of them (you know the drill).

When you don’t orgasm you are less likely to want to have heaps of sex (because it’s less gratifying). You may even get bitter and resentful about this over time (and possibly even a little bored with the proceedings). 

(obviously not a good thing for the relationship). 

3. You might not necessarily think that not always finishing even bothers you.

In my opinion, this is the worst harm. It wouldn’t even occur to you to have sex and for your partner not to finish. Yet, we find hundreds of ways to reinitialize to ourselves why when we get the short end of the stick, it’s alright. 

Now, thank god, attitudes towards sex are forever evolving; both culturally, and with age. I don’t think that on the whole woman don’t feel it’s their right to derive pleasure from sex. But we do have quite a bit of a way yet to go when it comes to our day-to-day sexual routine and bedroom expectations.

So who’s at fault, and what do we do about it?

Blaming generations of male indoctrination really isn’t the answer here. At the end of the day it comes down to our inability to communicate our needs to our sexual partners. I don’t think for a second that the person you are sleeping with doesn’t want you to crack the window with enthusiasm.

The problem starts with our demands in the bedroom, and not being able to make them known (physically or verbally). TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT/ENJOY/NEED/LIKE! (And if you don’t know what it is you want, it’s about time you start figuring it out). 

Tell them that you finishing isn’t optional , its part of the exercise! 

 I hope my pseudo rant wasn’t too one-sided, but come on ladies, sex is just as important in a relationship as long talks, staring into each other’s eyes, and romantic getaways. 

(And besides, it is also a great deal of fun).

Rule #33- Dirty Magazines and Erotic Fiction

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A few weeks ago I picked up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. At this point of the post, I would like to state for the record that I have nothing against erotica (when written well). Photographed, graphic, written, and filmed porn are all wonderful things, when taken in proportion.

I’m not claiming that all women don’t want to be tied up in some rich businessman’s flat, force fed good food and expensive wine, while having S&M sex with them. I’m merely suggesting that this specific genre often stretches the truth just a little bit. 

Reading the book got me thinking about how mainstream erotica has become. The fact that an erotic novel is now at the top every international bestsellers list is the best testimony to this. And as much as I didn’t enjoy the book (because of pure literary snobbery), it’s interesting how the taboo on these kinds of novels is slowly dissipating. 

I feel that even though most of us won’t freely admit it, we have all enjoyed some sort of erotica/pornography at some point. 

It is also fascinating that a little thing like a dirty magazine, or a web-browser page left open, can cause such a lot of havoc in a relationship.

Rules for Erotica:

1. Even if porn isn’t your thing, it doesn’t make it the worst habit in the world. Just because you found your boyfriend’s copy of Lesbian Spank Inferno in the DVD player, doesn’t make him a dirty bastard and a cause for a week long argument.

People like other naked people, this is just a fact, and as long as they aren’t real people (unless that’s the arrangement that the two of you have), there is not harm for your relationship in it. 

2. The more sex you have (good sex that is) the more you want to be having; meaning, that your partner is just going to be more riled up, and if you aren’t around, will need some other kind of outlet. This is a good thing, and you should NOT make a big deal out of it! 

So what if she gets through a really large amount of rechargeable batteries?

3. Porn, magazines, and erotic fiction are not real life. I’m sure we all know this, but when we get too immersed in something we tend to forget it.

(as long as you don’t expect your girlfriend to be able to do the upside-down-wheelbarrow-monkey-picks-an-apple position because you saw it “and it looked doable”, there is no reason watching porn should cause any unnecessary friction in the relationship).

4. Fantasy worlds and escapism are wonderful things! Try and share them with your respective other.

(Who knows, you may even enjoy it…)