Rule #41- The ‘I’m Not Sure If This Is A Date’ Date

Let me set the scene for you (because we’ve all been in it, at the very least once or twice in our adult lives).

You’ve arranged to ‘hang out’ with someone; It’s most likely evening, there is alcohol on the table, and the sexual tension is buzzing around almost tangibly (at least you think it is… isn’t it?!). You really like them, but because of the nature of the encounter, you’re not sure if the feeling is mutual.

I think this has only happened to me twice, and both times it was confusing and rather agitating. Especially, when it comes to working out if someone is into us ‘that way’ or not.

So what can you do about it?

1. Most of these errors happen because we aren’t sure if the other person is interested in us (sometimes I wish humans could read each other’s minds, and then I remember what a god awful idea that would be). Therefore, we need to investigate things a little further.

Not that I’m against treading lightly. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that’s what a FIRST DATE is for. When you define the activity as a date, the boundaries are clear, you both know where things stand. You’ve both agreed to get a drink and see if there is ‘something there’. 

Just don’t let yourself end up in ambiguous situations! If someone says “let’s hang out next Friday!”,  Just go out on a limb and ask “like on a date?!” .

Things might not work out romantically, but at least you are both on the same page. 

2. Fear not, if you do find yourself in this unfortunate situation, there are a few ways to get out of it.

For starters, you can always be blunt and ask them (the worst that can happen is that you will end up realizing it was an awkward misunderstanding, that you can either laugh off, or end the evening prematurely with the most uncomfortable hug ever). Or you can go for plan B (this is what I usually do): show you are interested! I’ve fondly named plan B. “flirt your bum off.”

3. They may not be into you at all. People flirt for so many different reasons; to make themselves feel good, they genuinely think they are just being nice (and really didn’t mean to flirt at all), they want something from you (not necessarily sexually); the possibilities are endless! 

My rule is, if I’m not sure, I either reciprocate to show I’m interested and, see where it goes - or let it go and move on.

4. If you aren’t interested in the other person, and you think you may be on a date, make it CLEAR that it isn’t a date. You don’t have to phrase it that way, you can tactfully slip it into the conversation, but make sure that they know you’re not interested. 

(Try and do this ahead of time on the phone. Make it clear up front that it’s a hang out as ‘just friends’, and try not to wind up in the most ‘couply’ spot in town).

The best relationships often grow out of friendships. Just don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the ‘does he/she like me?’ limbo! Because it’s frustrating as all hell.

Rule #39- Good Vibes

via c. kennedy garrett

Well, we haven’t spoken about sex for three posts, so naturally I had to revert back to the topic (what can a girl do?).

So today we are going to be talking about sex toys. I know we’ve touched on the subject a couple of times, but I felt it was a discussion worth dedicating a post to…

Because sex toys are awesome!

While vibrating butt-plugs aren’t for everyone, sex toys are slowly becoming more and more commonplace, but our consumer knowledge of them might not be keeping up. 

On the one hand they still have a little taboo attached to them, but on the other hand, many people are buying them without the proper research. Moreover, the shops themselves really are no help because they don’t always list those important need to know facts on their products.

Be it if you’re shopping for yourself, to use with others, or as a gift for a friend, it’s about time we all become better buyers.

1. Research! I would suggest online shopping, mostly because websites tend to list what the toy is made of, its pros and cons, how to clean it, and other important stuff like if you need to use a condom with it, does it work on batteries, or do you plug it in, and of course, how to use it (A good sex-shop will list these things on the packaging).

Is it hypo-allergenic/latex free/non-porous/phthalate free/medical grade silicone?!

Don’t buy anything that doesn’t list these things!

2. Read product reviews, they are always a helpful tool. 

3. If you have more than one sexual partner, make sure you are using your toys with protection/cleaning them properly.

(You should probably clean and store them properly even if you are the only one using them…).

Also, to be fair, your significant other might not be too pleased that you used the item in question with someone else; sometimes it’s just a better idea to get some new equipment. 

4. It’s advisable to steer clear of items marked novelty  (unless you’re on the prowl for phallic bookends).

5. I try to live my life according to the motto: “if you don’t know where it’s been, don’t let it near your private parts…”

Only buy stuff from approved companies/licensed shops, in its original packaging. 

Rule #27- The Flirting Loop

via russavia

It’s past midnight, and you have been texting for over and hour. You are at work and laughing hysterically at an email you just received, even though it wasn’t really that funny (much to your co-workers’ chagrin). You’ve braved dinner,  ’just as friends’, but really just wanted to skip dessert and rip each other’s clothes off.

If all of this sounds familiar to you, you, too are a victim of the Flirting Loop!

The Flirting Loop; that dreaded situation you end up in where  you both like each other, but can’t quite get past the flirting stage. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not easy to get out of, but it is possible (with a little determination and some charm).

You may have already tried every flirting trick in the book, to no avail, and it may be a case of shyness. Either way, it is time to brake that vicious circle!  

Rules for Moving Forward:

1. You will never be able to bring the whole situation to closure unless you can make up your mind about whether you like this person or not. I think that a lot of these ‘hot and cold’ games are a direct result of the fact that you are just not sure if you like each other ‘that way’. 

Sending (and feeling) mixed signals is what landed you in this mess in the first place. So, the first step out of it is deciding what you want.

2. Flirt responsibly! Flirting has a purpose , it’s a tool to let someone know you like them (and to get free shots when you’re sitting at the bar, but let’s leave that aside). If you flirt with everyone all the time you will confuse the people you are actually trying to impress. 

3. The easiest way out, is to just directly ask the other person if they are interested. But because we are not all that blunt/brave/not afraid of rejection, the chances we will just put ourselves out there like that are slim.

So, instead, we are left with the more tricky option of being conniving about the whole thing. This option is not fail proof, and leads to a lot of misunderstandings and frustration. Therefore, one of you should just take a shot of liquid courage and make the first move.

By make the first move, I don’t necessarily mean you have to lean in and kiss the other person (and by NO means ask them if you can kiss them; huge mood killer).  Just make it very obvious that you are available and interested IN THEM!

This is the tricky part… But I have come up with some creative solutions:

# Find a way to spend more time alone together (so you can get to know each other. Maybe this will help you finally realise if you are interested or not).

# Don’t send mixed signals! I said this before, and I don’t know how much I can stress how important this point is.

# Find a mutual friend who knows if he is dating anyone and snoop around a little (just to make sure he is single).

(You don’t need to go into full on stalker mode, just do a little recon).

And you know what, ladies? If all else fails, just turn up the charm. Tap into your irresistibly funny/sexy/confident side! But every once in a while we should take matters into our own hands and confront the situation. After all, aren’t five minutes of rejection better than four months of endless pining?

Rule #20- P.D.A- Please Don’t!

Does this look familiar? 

 

Does this make YOU feel uncomfortable? 

 

Honestly, I find this scene a little bit in-descant. Personally, I find all public displays of affection inappropriate, but for the sake of the post I will do my best at staying objective.

You have met your other half, your soul mate, your perfect fit, wonderful! You want to let the whole world know  how happy they make you; so buy a billboard or add space, don’t straddle each other in public!

Now, we aren’t living in the eighteenth century and you are not expected to keep a ‘safe distance’ from your love interest at all times. But at what point does cute become inappropriate? 

 

Rules for Intimate Interaction in Public:

1. Keep kissing, stroking, and crotch fondling to a minimum in public (yes, I have seen people do that and it has scarred me for life).

All of the above just make everyone around you feel uncomfortable (or jealous)  and it takes away from that fun sexual tension that is much better saved for the bedroom (you will have much more fun ripping each other’s clothes off after an evening of alluring glances and over active imagining).

2. Feel free to hold hands, hug, peck on the lips, and try out any other form of none invasive activity that strikes your fancy.

3. If you were watching yourself would you cringe? If the answer is YES, stop whatever it is you’re up to!

 

Fooling around is awesome! So awesome in fact, that there is no reason in the world to share it with anyone else but each other. 

Rule #19- The Subtext Of A Text

via JohnnyMrNinja

Text messages can be very annoying; they are ambiguous, convoluted, and you can never be certain of what the other person really meant.  They don’t convey anger, insult or a joking manner.

I personally dislike messaging for fear of deadly misunderstandings and other mishaps. That aside, I would like to address one particular phenomenon; the modern mating cry, otherwise know as, ‘the booty call’ (or text).

Last week I had just nestled into bed, it was after midnight, and my cell beeped; “awake?” The male in question is a happily attached guy friend of mine; who honestly just wanted to chat. I don’t blame his ’innocence’ on the subject; text messaging is the wild west of inter-human communication, the grey area of relationships.

Whether you are dating, undefined, or just “getting coffee” at three am, you may be a victim of unintentional sexting. 

Rules for Clear Cellular Communication:

1. Unless your looking to sleep with the other person (which is also fine), don’t text them after midnight.

(There are extenuating circumstances to this, like: you are walking home and it’s pitch black outside and you think someone is following you).

2. Add smilies/winks/sad faces when you’re messaging. It may seem silly, but it helps convey emotions better and can save you a lot of grief.

3. If you are not interested, be clear about it! Fight the temptation to flirt back or string him along (just because it’s Friday night and you are bored). 

4. If, like me, you too have a confused male friend who texts you at all hours of the night (and subsequently pisses off your boyfriend); break it to him gently that it is inappropriate. 

(This also means you have to abide by your own rules). 

5. If you are having casual sex, make sure that you are both clear about the nature of the relationship.

The more open you are about this with each other, the less of a chance you have of getting hurt.

The ‘Worst Date EVER’ Competition

In honour of All Hallow’s Eve, it’s time to break out some horror stories. Honestly, there is NOTHING more frightening and horrifying than a bad date.

How does the competition work?

You tell us (in colourful detail) about the worst date you have ever been on. I mean come on, we’ve all been on at least one horrific date in our life. The kind of date that wants to make you permanently give up on the opposite sex and join a nunnery/monastery. 

What do you win?

A lot of sympathy from our dedicated readers (which, let’s face it, is a lot better than a real prize).

So get writing and post your tales of horror and woe in the comment box at the bottom!

 What traumatic tales do you have to share with us?!

Rule #16- Controlling Your Flirty Side

via Mark J Sebastian

We ALL love to flirt, yes I will admit it, I like flirting! It’s fun, it gets me what I want, and it makes interactions more pleasant. I’m just the kind of girl who smiles a lot at random strangers.

We all have different motives for doing it: we like the attention, we want to get something done faster, we have a spasm in our cheek muscles; but whatever the reason, we have to consider that besides the wonderful, positive effects flirting has, it can also have some harmful and damaging ones too. 

Such as, gravely insulting your significant other.

Everyone has a different idea for what constitutes flirting and where the line is, and it’s important to acknowledge that fact.

Rules For Harmless Interacting:

1. Discuss boundaries with your partner; what makes them feel uncomfortable.

What makes you feel uncomfortable. When does flashing your cleavage at the bartender cross the line?

2. Learn not to blow things out of proportion; if he gets a little too ‘over friendly’ with the barista at the coffee shop, calmly explain to him why it bothers you.

Also, it’s ok to let him get his ego stroked by strangers from time to time; it will boost his confidence and make him a lot more fun to be around (again, so long as it doesn’t cross your line).

3. Flirt with each other! The more you make each other feel desirable, that happier your relationship and sex life will be, and the less you’ll both need attention from other people.

Compliments are awesome to receive, so why not be the one giving them?!

Rule #15- Sexperimenting

via Nienke and Nienke, Author Michel van de Wiel fr

I promise I won’t try and convince you to overrun your bedroom with silicone toys, or turn it into leather dungeon (unless of course, you are into that!). Now, don’t get me wrong, one on one, no appliances involved sex, is awesome; but even the best sex life can use the occasional spice. Keeping things interesting has a bit of a taboo; are the two of us not enough? But if you can get past that initial worry, you will discover you can have quite a bit of fun experimenting with new things.

(And if you don’t like it, you never have to do it again!)

So take this opertunity to unleash (or leash) your racy side.

Rules for Bedroom Banter: 

1. Create a safe atmosphere, where you can tell one another what really gets your blood racing, and what new things you would like to try.

(That said, it is still unwise to spring it on him that you have a secret S&M fetish. You might need some build up to that).

That also means, you have to be accepting of whatever strange thing he admits to fantasising about. Keep an open mind.

2. If it’s toys you’re after, do your research! Make sure they are from body safe materials and from a licensed company and shop. Trust me, you can be cheap everywhere else, but NOT here.

Go to a ‘woman friendly’ shop; not one of those sleazy porn dens that sell a couple of toys for ambiance.  The most important thing is that YOU are BOTH comfortable with the place.

3. Have fun! If you’re not enjoying yourself it defies the whole exercise!

4. Start off slow; find something new you would both like to try. Have a glass or two of wine before to relax.

Rule #9- The Tease

Teasing is fun and it’s a great way to flirt. Sliding your leg up his under the table, whispering dirty things in his ear, sending him racy e-mails at work; it’s fun, it’s exciting, and it heats up the mood.

But there is a fine line between amusing banter and physical frustration!

Now, don’t get me wrong, getting your bloke all riled up is a LOT of fun! But sometimes, we slip into the game a little too much.

Teasing is an art, and you need to learn how to do it properly (so that you both enjoy it!).

Teasing, Flirting; these are both great forms of foreplay, and

an amazing way to turn up the heat.

Rules of Teasing: 

1. Make sure your teasing has a point! If you don’t intend to sleep with him ever, you are just being mean.

If you don’t intend to sleep with him that night, dial it down; you want to send him home wanting more, not frustrated.

For example: do NOT spend an evening sexting a guy, and when he finally shows up, answer the door in your pink flannel pyjamas and force him to watch a chick flick with you (thank you Westwood for this great anecdote).

2. Use it to set the mood and keep things interesting in the bedroom; what it should be is a little extended foreplay… (And if you do not like having your neck kissed for forty five minutes, he probably won’t appreciate you tying him to the bed, kissing his lower stomach and then popping out for a smoke).

3. If you wanna spice things up you can try: naughty undies, elaborately inappropriate text messages, a little ‘accidental’ grazing during diner, or really anything else that gets the two of you going…

Rule #3- Phone Tag

via Albert Bridge- Geograph project

I once caught myself waiting by the phone for a guy to call me. When I realized what it was I was doing, I put my cell in my underwear drawer and went off to entertain myself with a three-hour Sex and the City marathon.

Phone tag is the oldest game in the book (well since the invention of the telephone at any rate). This back and forth banter between a couple is important, and not to be taken lightly. It will either turn him off completely or leave him wanting more.

Scenario #1, What NOT to do 

So the guy (the one who you can grate cheese on his abs), took your phone number last night. It’s been twelve whole hours and you are already freaking out a little bit, so you text him. A few more hours go by, no reply, so you text him again. At twelve you give up and go to bed. (after messaging him “have a good night” (:  )  The following afternoon you text twice more, and still haven’t gotten anything back (you have already run every excuse from he is really busy with work, to he has been run over by a horde of cross elephants).

It would seem you missed ‘cool’ by just a little

Now, you do get I’m exaggerating my point, just a little, but it’s very easy to miss the mark when it comes to playing it cool and relaxed.

Scenario #2 – A more welcome outcome

You manage to exercise some self control. You succeeded in not overdoing it and containing your excitement in the face of the possibility of a future full of kinky sex. He calls, you resist acting like a crazy person and it all works itself out.

So, how do you bring this about?

The Rules of Phone Tag:

1. Match the other persons calls and texts! This is the cardinal rule of phone tag. It has the same rules as real tag (the ‘tag you’re it’ kind). He texts, you text, he calls, and the next call is on you.

Why?

This way you are both on the same page, and you don’t overdo it and scare him off.

2. How much is too much? Now this is the really complicated question. How can you find the balance between not seeming desperate and not seeming uninterested?

(guys and girls differ on this question, but not always, and you need to learn to spot the exception and match the other persons’ expectations. Be attentive, it’s the only way for those of us who can’t read minds)

Before you go out together, the one call to set it up and a second to make sure you are still on is ENOUGH! This way you don’t find yourself in the midst of an awkward silence, and you don’t end up putting more pressure on each other before you have even gone out.

Between the first few dates, if all goes well, my recommended dose is this: one call a day and a few texts is more than enough. This way, you will be able to keep things going, and have stuff to talk about when you see each other.

3. When you barely know each other, phone calls should be like good chocolate; short, sweet and leave you wanting more.

(Now how’s that for a tacky dating metaphor?)